Hold Back The River
by preciouscinnamonroll
Summary: A compilation of moments of Addison, Derek and Mark in medical school, with parallels to their lives after over 10 years.
1. Riptide

**Author's Note: This is an idea that has been on my head for a while, so I finally decided to write it down. Each chapter will present a parallel between their lives in medical school and their lives years later.**

 **Sam and Naomi from Private Practice also appear in this story, Amelia also appears eventually, but it's focused on Maddek. And I should probably say that Maddison is my OTP, so expect lots of it haha. Most chapters are mainly Addek though.**

 **This is also my first fic. Reviews are always appreciated :) Let me know if I should continue this story.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**

 **Update: I decided to rename each chapter with the title of a song that inspired me to write it or that reminds me of the events of that chapter. I don't own any of the songs, of course.**

* * *

 **New York, 1988**

"Hurry up Mark, we're already late", Derek says, irritated.

It was Anatomy class, and the students were divided in groups of five. Their group had already started. Damn. You really don't want to be late in your first week at medical school. Derek hated being late, but Mark didn't seem to know what the word punctual meant.

"Sorry we're late", Derek apologizes.

"It's okay, we just started", says the redhead who is cutting the cadaver. She barely looks at him, her eyes fixed on what she's doing. When she's done, she finally lifts her eyes. The fist thing Derek notices is that they are smart eyes; somehow, they show a captivating intelligence and excitement to learn. He can't help but stare at them for a moment. The second thing he notices is that she looks like a freaking supermodel.

"Nice cut", it's all that comes out of his mouth for a second.

"Thanks", she responds proudly.

"I'm Derek Shepherd, by the way".

"Addison Montgomery".

"Oh, right, we didn't introduce ourselves", the other girl from the group notices, laughing. "What kind of people are we?"

They learn that the girl is Naomi Evans and the guy with glasses is Sam Bennett.

They get along with each other quickly and when the class is over, which also means lunch time, they sit on the same table. While they're laughing and talking about how exciting the first week has been so far, Derek realizes they could be good friends. Not everything is a competition, after all.

* * *

"How many of those have you had?", Archer points at the drink in her hand. He came out of nowhere, startling her.

"What are you even doing here? I thought this was a welcome party for new students", Addison teases.

"Yeah, well, and who welcomes them?", he teases back.

He was right. The party was indeed hosted by second year med students to welcome the first year's. It was a Saturday night, and the five were gathered before Archer appeared.

"You sure you're not here because Bizzy sent you to spy on me?" She then notices the confused faces looking at them. "Everyone, this is my brother, Archer."

Archer doesn't find it difficult to join the group. Soon he is dancing and talking with them. About an hour later they are all drunk, which is when Archer starts to tell inappropriate jokes.

"Alright, enough", Addison says. "Why don't go find your own friends? Stop stealing mine."

"You're just mad 'cause they think I'm cooler than you", he smirks.

"You know that's not possible", she smirks too. "Go. I mean it."

He finally leaves them, and she heads to the bar for another drink. She hopes Sam doesn't follow her this time. He's been hitting on her the whole evening and she doesn't know how to tell him that she's not interested on him without hurting him, and it's making her anxious. He is a nice guy. He's just not really her type.

She almost freaks out when she notices someone is actually following her to the bar, only to turn around and see that it's Derek and not Sam.

"Oh, hey", she says, relieved.

"Hey".

They both sit while they're waiting for their drinks.

"Just so you know, I don't think your brother is cooler than you", he says with the smile she's starting to get used to.

She laughs.

Their drinks are done, and they both grab them, ready to go back to where their friends are.

"We should go back", Addison suggests. "Unless you want to stay", she teases, pointing at a blonde standing at the other side of the bar. "She's looking at you."

He shakes his head. "She's not my type."

"What is your type?", she raises an eyebrow.

He grins and then finally asks, after almost a week of glances and smiles. "Do you have something to do tomorrow night?"

* * *

 **New York, 2004**

He is late again. He is always late now every time they plan on doing something not work related.

Addison calls him one more time, even though she knows he's not going to answer the phone, and she knows what he's going to say when he gets home – I was stuck with a patient or some other excuse.

Minutes later, she hears the sound of keys unlocking the door and Derek is home.

"You're late", she says.

"I was stuck with a patient. God, I need sleep"

She crosses her arms. "I thought we were going out for dinner."

He frowns as if he doesn't know what she's talking about, and then sighs. "Crap."

"You forgot", she accuses, her face bitter.

"I've had a long day at work."

"Oh, me too", she raises her eyebrows, defiantly.

"Look, I'm exhausted. We can go out another night", his face is irritated; his voice, impatient. He is always exhausted when it comes to her.

"You said the same two nights ago", she sighs, exasperated. "You know what? I'm tired too. I don't have the energy to fight right now."

"Good", his voice doesn't even come out as sharp as she expects. He's also too tired to fight.

She wonders where did the old Derek go. The Derek with bright smiles and dreamy eyes, the Derek that made her laugh. She fears he's long gone, and if that is the case, she doesn't know what to do to bring him back. She had always been able to make him feel better almost every time he had a bad day at work. Now she fails almost every time. Maybe she has changed too. Maybe they're both different people than they used to be. And when they lie in bed later, back to back, both too proud to apologize or even say anything, she realizes she doesn't know who they are anymore.


	2. Young And Beautiful

_**New York, 1988**_

"Okay, what's going on with you and Derek?", Naomi asks her on their way to the ladies bathroom.

"What are you talking about?"

Naomi rolls her eyes. "I observe things. You two got that face"

"What face?"

"The 'we've seen each other naked' face"

"Fine", Addison gives in. "We went out on a date. A couple of dates."

"How many?", Naomi raises an eyebrow.

"Five."

"Oh, wow. When were you going to tell me?"

"I don't know, I guess I needed to know if this is going anywhere first."

"That's the kind of thing you tell your girl friends, you know? So they can give you their opinion. I mean, we _are_ friends, right? It's not like we've been talking and sitting next to each other at class every day for a month now or anything", she says, fake hurt.

"I'm sorry, Nai!" Maybe she was right though. "Fine, I'm asking you now. What's your opinion?"

Naomi shrugs. "Well, I think he's a decent guy. A very nice guy. You should give it a try."

* * *

"You never mentioned your father", Addison points out when they are inside of his car, after their sixth date. It is dark and a little bit cold for a summer night.

"What?"

"On our first date. You said you have four sisters and your mother is a nurse. You never said anything about your father. I didn't ask then because I thought it wouldn't be polite. I thought you were going to say something eventually, but you didn't, and I keep wondering why."

"Well, uh...", he inhales deeply. "He died."

"Oh. I'm so sorry", she blushes, probably regretting asking. "We don't have to talk about this now if you don't want to."

"It's okay, it was a long time ago", he inhales again, the memories coming back to him. "He owned a store. My little sister Amelia and I didn't have school that day, so he brought us to the store. We were playing in the back when two guys came in. I heard them yelling at him. They wanted his watch. The next thing I heard was a shot", he sighs. "He was a good man, you know. He was honest and he loved our family more than anything. That's part of the reason I decided I wanted to be a surgeon. I want to be a good man too, I want to save lives".

"I'm sorry", she repeats. She doesn't say anything else for a while, until she shakes her head, a bitter expression on her face. "The universe just sucks, you know? I mean, your father was a good man and he loved his family. He wanted to be with his family, but he couldn't. My father's got the chance to be with our family, to be a good father, but he's an ass and I'm not sure exactly what our family means to him".

"Why do you say that?"

She sighs. "He's a cheater. First time I caught him cheating on my mother, I was eight. I never told anyone. I was scared of telling anyone. And I guess my father knew that. He knew I would keep my mouth shut, because since then he's never really bothered hiding it from me anymore. I kept lying to my mother for him. When I was ten he brought me to his office and asked me to wait outside while he was having sex with his secretary, but he told me to tell my mother he had brought me to eat ice cream with him. To be honest I've lost count on how many women I caught him with. So, you know. He's an ass".

When she says that, Derek notices she suddenly looks so different from a confident supermodel and so much more like a hurt little girl that it scares him a little, because he realizes that's a part of her life that she doesn't usually share. It's a thing that makes her vulnerable, and from what he's noticed so far, she doesn't seem like someone who allows herself to be vulnerable around anyone.

"Anyway", she continues. "You _are_ a good man, Derek. You're honest, and sweet, and kind, and funny, and I don't think you would ever try to hurt anyone on purpose. And that comes from someone with severe trust issues, so that's saying something." She gives him a half smile, which he returns.

They keep in silence for a few minutes until he speaks again. "So, do you trust me?"

"Yeah, I think so", she laughs.

"Because, you know, we just reached the point of telling each other our tragic back stories, and you know what that means, right?"

She frowns.

"It means we're good friends, _and_ it also means we're ready. To be a couple, I mean", he continues.

"Oh." She smiles, and it makes her look so beautiful in the moonlight. "Yeah. Okay. We're a couple."

"Good", he smiles back.

* * *

 _ **New York, 2004**_

"Thought you said you were coming home two hours ago", Addison says, putting the dishes in the sink.

"Surgery took longer than I expected, sorry."

"Richard Webber just called."

"Oh. What did he want?"

"He offered us a job in Seattle."

"What did you say?"

"I said we were not interested", she shrugs.

"Wait, you gave an answer right away? You didn't think about talking to me first?"

She frowns. "I didn't think I had to. We have a life here. And you love your job here, Derek. You love it more than you love me."

He rolls his eyes. "Don't start."

"Right, maybe you don't love your job that much, maybe you just use it to avoid me."

"I told you, surgery took longer than I expected", he raises his voice. "Complications happen, you know that."

"It's not just that", she says, exasperated, "it's the extra shifts, it's you not taking a freaking day off, it's you never being home anymore."

He doesn't respond. Suddenly it hits her. She knows that behavior very well: never being home, giving work excuses…

"Derek", she begins carefully, "I need you to be honest with me."

"Okay", he shrugs.

"Is it really just work?

"What the hell do you mean?"

"Are you cheating on me?", her voice is low but firm.

" _What?_ Are you seriously asking me that?", he is definitely angry now.

"It happens in a lot of families".

"Is that what this is about? You projecting your childhood traumas onto me? Not everything is about you, Addison. I have patients who need me, I have a career I need to focus on now. You know how important this is to me."

"Right", she runs her hands through her face. "Right, I'm sorry."

She asks herself if she's becoming paranoid. "You're right, I know how important your career is to you. _My_ career is really important to me too. But I just… Our marriage is falling apart, Derek, and sometimes I think I'm the only one who's still trying to hold it together."

"It's not falling apart", he reassures her. "We're just going through a hard time". But he doesn't look so sure about that.


	3. Sweet Nothing

**Author's note: I'm so happy you guys like this story! :D I was really insecure about this haha, thank you for the reviews! This chapter is basically Maddison, but don't worry if you ship Addek, more Addek chapters are on coming :)**

 **To the person who asked me if this story is going to be Addek: Well, kind of? There's going to be a lot of Addek in the early years of their relationship, but I intend to follow canon, exactly how it happened on the show - unless I decide to make Maddison endgame because that's what I think should have happened on the show haha -, and explore their relationship in the process.**

 **Anyway, hope you all like this chapter! :D**

* * *

 _ **3**_

 _ **New York, 1988**_

She was looking for an embryology book at the library before her next class began, still tired from studying her brain out the night before and not getting enough sleep.

"Hey Princess".

She turns around and sees Mark. "You call me that again and I'll kick your ass."

He grins and then shrugs. "Fine, no 'princess'. I have to find another nickname for you then". He pauses, thinking for a few seconds. "How about 'Red'"?

"How about 'Addie', like everyone else?"

He grins again. "I'm not like everyone else".

She rolls her eyes. "I don't like you, you know? I just tolerate you 'cause your Derek's best friend". It isn't a hundred percent true. Even though he's smug and a manwhore, he can be funny sometimes, but she won't admit it.

"Nah, you like me. I'm an awesome friend".

"That's why you give people special nicknames?", she teases.

"That's why I give people special nicknames".

"Okay, since you're such a good friend, why don't you take that annoying grin out of your face and help me find the book I came here for?"

"Of course", he agrees, but the grin still there.

* * *

 _ **New York, 1992**_

He _is_ a good friend. When they were kids and Derek told him he missed his dad sometimes, he tried to comfort him with words and then asked if he wanted to play football; he even let him win so he wouldn't feel so bad. When Amelia overdosed, he stayed with him at the hospital all night. But now watching Derek assist in an advanced procedure, Mark wishes he was the one in there. And envying your friends doesn't make you a good friend, right?

It's just Derek always seems to get everything. Warm family, hot girlfriend, good grades, assisting in advanced procedures during internship, basically everything that Mark doesn't have. Mark wishes he knew how to put the universe in his own favor like that.

* * *

 _ **New York, 2005**_

"How long are going to keep avoiding me?", he almost had to drag her into the on-call room, because she's been avoiding him for a week since that night. "We need to talk about what happened".

"I don't want to talk about it, Mark", Addison sighs. "We were drunk. We weren't thinking. It happened once and it's not happening ever again. So can we just pretend it never happened and forget this whole story?"

"I can't. I can't stop thinking about it. About you".

"Mark", she warns him with a reproving voice, "This is wrong. Even for you".

He knows she's right. He is flawed, but _that_ is a whole new level of screwed up. Yet he can't get that night out of his head, and now he is sure he is a terrible friend. Sleeping with your best friend's wife definitely makes you a terrible friend. Even if you were drunk. Because, honestly, he's afraid he would have done the same if he wasn't drunk. He drove to her apartment anyway. When Derek asked him to tell her he was going to spend the night at the hospital, Mark could have just called her. But she had been so miserable those days that he thought he could make her some company if she wanted to. Or at least he _convinced_ himself that was his only intention. She actually asked him first if he wanted to come in; she had just opened a bottle of wine. She didn't look surprised when he told her what Derek had asked him to; she just looked so sad and so tired of it that Mark wanted to punch Derek for having everything and then throwing it away.

"I can't just ignore what happened", he continues anyway.

"Yes, you can. Just forget it, okay?", she says decisively, leaving the room.

* * *

He's spending the night at the hospital again, but at least he bothers to call her this time. She's more tired than angry. Tired of seeking for his affection when she's clearly not going to get it, tired of trying to figure out what is she doing wrong in their marriage, tired of hoping he realizes what _he_ is doing wrong. She's tired of trying. She's tired of caring.

She doesn't even know for sure how the hell did she end up at Mark's door, but there she is.

"Can I come in?", she asks.

"Sure", he lets her in. "Is there something wrong?"

"Just the usual crap".

He waits for her to say why she's there, but she doesn't say anything.

"Did you eat anything?", he asks, not sure what to do. "There's pizza on the fridge".

"Thanks, I'm not hungry".

They keep in awkward silence for a moment, until she can't hold it anymore and she kisses him.

He kisses back, and they're both unable to think for a few seconds, until she starts unbuttoning her shirt and Mark steps back, his hands on her shoulders. "Are you sure?", he asks.

"Yes", she leans closer to him, but he stops her.

"Wait, what changed your mind?"

"Mark", she begs, "I need sex. And my husband doesn't even care if I'm alive". She knows what she needs right now is so much more than just sex, and she's afraid she's going to start crying. " _Please_ ", her voice cracks; she can only imagine how pathetic she must look right now.

He answers by kissing her again and minutes later all their clothes are off and they are in his bed. While they're having sex, Addison realizes she doesn't feel so empty anymore – just like that other night with Mark. But when they're done the emptiness comes back, along with the guilt, and she turns around before he can see that she's actually crying right now. She grabs her clothes, still hiding her face. "I should go".

* * *

They lie in bed in the on call room, and she lets him see her cry this time. Not that he didn't noticed it the last time; but he knows she hates when people see her cry, so he pretended he didn't see it so he wouldn't make things worse for her.

"Sorry", she says.

"It's okay".

He wonders why she's crying. Because she expected more? Because she's guilty? Because she thinks she's a cheater now, like her father? Instead of asking her, he gently wipes away her tears, wishing so badly he knew what to do to see her happy again.


	4. Secrets

**Author's note: This is a really short chapter but I think it's kind of important haha, hope you guys like it anyway. I'm already working on chapter 5 :)**

 ** _4_**

 ** _New York, 1988_**

"Fuck".

"You gotta tell him", Derek says as he analyzes the damage Mark just caused to Archer's car in the parking lot.

"Why? It's not that bad, he's not even going to notice it".

"Because it's the right thing to do".

"Man, do you know how expensive that car is?"

"At least talk to him. It can't be that bad".

"Yeah, did you tell him you and Addison are dating? It can't be that bad", he responds sarcastically.

"She said she would tell him tonight", Derek shrugs. He looks at Mark with a serious expression. "Talk to him".

"Fine. But if I have to stop buying food to save money for this shit I'm going to blame you".

They see Archer twice that day and Mark can't seem to find the words to tell him. By the third time Derek loses his patience, "For fuck's sake, he's trying to tell you that he accidentally hit you car at the parking lot".

"You did _what_?, Archer looks like he's going to punch him.

Mark looks at Derek like he's a traitor and then shrugs. "Derek's screwing your sister".

" _What_ "?

Derek doesn't know what to say. "She was going to tell you tonight", it's all his brain can come up with.

Archer definitely looks like he wants to punch them both, but he manages to keep it cool.

"You", he points at Mark, still undeniably mad. "Come with me to the parking lot, I want to see the damage. And you", he points at Derek, "you better not do anything stupid. Did she mention she has trust issues?"

"Yes".

"Did she mention why?"

"Yes".

"Good, so you know if you hurt her she's going to kick your ass and I'm going to help her".

* * *

"Archer told me about the scene he made yesterday", she says when they're in her bed, enjoying their moments before her roommate arrives. "Sorry about that".

"It's okay, he's just trying to protect you". Being a big brother himself, he knows what it is like.

"You're not mad?"

"No". Then he smiles at her. "Maybe I'm a little bit upset but it will go away if we go back to the kissing thing".

So she smiles back at him and that's what they do.

* * *

 ** _New York, 2005_**

She can't sleep. It's 2 a.m. and Derek is sleeping next to her and she can't stop glancing at him every once in a while, a little paranoid that he will find out about her and Mark eventually. It would hurt him so badly if he found out. All those years scared of getting hurt and now she is the one who hurts people. She rolls around so she can't look at him anymore and tells herself he hurt her first, when he stopped loving her. But that doesn't make her feel much better.


	5. Dollhouse

**Author's note: Another short chapter... This didn't come out as good as I imagined but I hope you all like it lol**

* * *

 ** _New York, 1988_**

"Don't worry, they'll love you", Derek reassures her before they enter his house.

The first person they see is his mother. "Oh there you are. So you're the girl my son has been talking about", Carolyn Shepherd greets her with a curious look.

"Yeah", Addison smiles.

Three of his sisters are in the room, and they all welcome her. She tries to memorize their names – Kate is the one with glasses, Liz is the one with very dark hair and Nancy is the one with short hair.

"Where's Amy?", Derek asks.

"Probably in her room, I'm going to call her", Carolyn says. "You all can sit at the table, lunch is ready".

They sit and wait for Carolyn and Amy to join them. A few minutes later, Addison sees a teenager with heavy eyeliner carrying a book in her hands.

"She's Amelia", Derek tells Addison, "but we call her Amy".

Amelia studies Addison for a few seconds and then looks at Derek. "Another prom queen?"

Liz coughs. "Filter".

Amelia shrugs and then joins them at the table and continues to read her book.

"Amy", Carolyn scolds. "Now is not the time".

Amelia rolls her eyes and closes the book.

"What were you reading?", Addison tries, gently.

"Just a bunch of poetry", Amelia responds.

"Oh. I have a lot of poetry books at home. I could bring them to you if you want", Addison smiles. "I mean, if you promise not to read them during meals".

"You like poetry?", Amelia narrows her eyes, a little surprised.

"Yes."

Amelia turns at Derek. "I like this one", she points at Addison. "We should keep her". That makes them all laugh a little.

Addison finds out that Carolyn Shepherd's food is delicious. They talk about the unavoidable stuff: if she already has a specialty in mind, how is her own family like. And for one day in her life Addison thinks she knows what is like to have a warm and loud family.

* * *

"Mom doesn't like her", Nancy updated him the next day. "Says she's rich and privileged and probably spoiled, and Liz agrees with her. Kate and I think she's nice; she's polite, funny, smart. Oh and Amelia adores her".

Now it was his turn to meet her family. He didn't know what to expect; "They're not exactly nice people", she had warned him.

While they're all having dinner he realizes what she meant. Her parents are cold, he notices, even if sometimes they pretend they aren't by talking about futile things that sound rehearsed. He also notices that both Addison and Archer call them "Bizzy and Captain" instead of "mom and dad", which he thinks is bizarre.

At some point, the conversation focuses on him.

"So, Derek have you chosen a specialty yet?", The Captain asks.

"All I know for now is that I want to be a surgeon".

"Well that's a good start. I'm glad to hear that. When Addison told me she wanted to be a surgeon too, I was very happy about it".

"Yeah", Archer says with a sarcastic smile. "Because since we're both terrible sailors one of us shouldn't be a complete disappointment to you".

Addison glares at him.

The atmosphere at the table is tense now, and it doesn't make things better when Bizzy subtly asks Derek how wealthy is his family and Addison reprimands her, horrified. No matter how many times Derek gently squeezes her hand beneath the table, she's still upset during the rest of the dinner. He wonders how did she manage to grow up sane in that house, or even how did she become the person she is now, but he's glad that she did.

* * *

 _ **New York, 2005**_

When Addison married Derek she thought that was her chance to finally have a decent family. A family with no being cold and distant, no cheating, no lies, no pretending to be a happy little perfect family on the outside by talking about futile things.

All of that sounds like a cruel joke now.


	6. Be Still

**Author's note: Hey everyone! I'm so happy that y'all are enjoying this story :) This chapter is almost all about Addison and Amelia because I love these two. It's based on their dialogues in Private Practice 3x19 and 5x08. Also the time when Amelia overdosed - which I don't remember when they mentioned lol.**

 **And to the person who asked me if I could write some happy Addek moments in the present: Maybe, but I don't promise anything. All the Addek scenes I planned are so angsty haha. But maybe I can come up with something when I write the Seattle scenes.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 ** _New York, 1989_**

"Hey Addie, can I ask you a favor?", Amelia asks when they're both in her room after lunch.

"Of course. What is it?"

"I really, _really_ want to pierce my ears, but mom has been a pain in the ass lately and she won't let me go there alone and everyone is too busy to take me there, so… could you please take me there?", she pouts.

"Okay", she agrees. "I have a lot to study today though so I'll pick you up on Saturday, is that alright?"

"Yeah", Amelia gives her a big smile. "Thank you so much".

"No problem", Addison smiles.

As promised, Addison drives by the Shepherd's house that Saturday and takes an excited Amelia to get her ears pierced, who gets even more excited when it's done.

"That looks pretty cool", Amelia exclaims looking at the mirror.

"It does", Addison nods. "Hey, are you hungry?", she asks when they're getting back into the car. "Because I'm starving. We should eat something before I bring you back to your house".

"Sure, I'm starving too".

They stop at a fast food. They talk and laugh a lot for half an hour, until Amelia suddenly goes serious.

"Addie, can I talk to you about something?", she starts, insecure. "I don't really know who to ask".

"Go ahead", Addison encourages her.

"What should I know about birth control?"

"Oh", she's surprised that she is the one Amelia chose to have that conversation with. "You're... having sex?"

"Yeah, I mean there's this boy at school... Whatever", Amelia shrugs. "We did it, like, twice. I like him".

"Okay". Addison tells her everything she thinks is important, realizing how much she likes that Amelia trusts her like that. Like a sister. She always wanted a little sister. "And Amy", she adds at the end of her speech, "Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Don't do anything just to please other people. Remember to love yourself first, okay? That's the most important thing you need to know. I tell you that based on my experience, because since you're like my little sister I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did when I was your age".

"Right. Okay. Thank you, Addie", Amelia grins. "And, uh, please don't tell my mother we had this conversation. I'm not sure how she would react. And don't tell Derek. Oh God, please don't tell Derek, he would to freak out".

"Alright", she laughs. "He _would_ freak out, you're right. Don't worry, it's our secret. And anything you need, just talk to me, okay?"

"Okay".

* * *

 _ **New York, 1990**_

"Hey", Addison enters Amelia's room.

"Hey, you're here", Amelia says agitated.

"You look beautiful", she smiles. "I love that dress".

"Thanks", Amelia smiles back, still agitated.

"Okay, let's start. You sit on the bed, I'm going to need your hair brush".

Amelia obeys. "Sorry to bother you. I really had no idea what to do with my hair. I mean it's prom, what the hell should I do with my hair for prom? They don't teach us that in school".

"It's no bother at all", Addison reassures her while brushing her hair. "I'm actually enjoying this". After a few moments, she speaks again, laughing a little. "Remember when you met me, you called me a prom queen?"

"Yeah, sorry about that".

"I wasn't", she shakes her head. "I wasn't a prom queen. I wasn't considered pretty in high school and I definitely wasn't popular. I was a band geek".

Amelia frowns. "Are you saying that because I look terrible and you want to make me feel better?"

"No, I'm serious!"

"I don't believe you".

"I have photos", she raises an eyebrow.

Then they notice Derek standing on the doorway.

"Oh hi Derek", Amelia speaks.

"Am I allowed to see you before you're ready?", he teases her.

"I'm going to prom, you idiot, I'm not getting married and you're not the groom".

"You look beautiful", he smiles.

"Thanks".

He turns to Addison. "I'll be in my room, just call me when you're done, okay?"

"Okay".

He begins to leave, but then he stops and turns around again, repressing a smile.

"Addie?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you really have photos?", he teases.

"Shut up".

* * *

 _ **New York, 1990/1991**_

"Where's Amy?", Carolyn asks, impatient. "It's almost midnight, we're _supposed_ to celebrate New Year. Someone go find her".

"I'll go". Derek knocks on the door of Amelia's room. No answer. He opens the door, slowly, only to find Amelia collapsed on the floor, cold and sweaty, vomit coming out of her mouth and pills in her hand. Derek screams for help and Addison is the first person who runs to the room. "Call an ambulance, now! I think she overdosed".

"What?", she is shocked.

"Call an ambulance, Addison, _now_!"

She does what he said.

Time passes in a weird way for Derek, and people's voices are distant, as if he's asleep and someone's trying to wake him up.

One moment they're at the ambulance and then they're at the hospital and then he's just standing there looking at the doctors trying to save his sister.

 _No pulse._

 _Charge 200._

 _Charge 300._

 _Charge 360._

 _Alright, we got a pulse._

Then Amelia is back.

Then they wait outside.

Then she's fully awake, and then he's out of his numbness.

"I'll talk to her first", he states, barely noticing Addison and Mark following him.

"What the hell were you thinking?", he yells at her. "How do you think mom would feel if you died?"

"Derek", Mark pleads.

"Are you trying to make things worse for everyone?, he ignores him.

"Derek, stop", Addison places a hand in his arm. "That's not helping her".

"How could you be so selfish?", he continues, his voice lower now.

"Derek", Addison forces him to look at her. "You're not helping. Let me talk to her now. Okay?"

He nods, reluctantly.

"Mark, would you wait outside with him?"

Mark agrees and they leave the room.

* * *

As soon as they leave, Amelia's face crumbles and she cries. "I'm so sorry. I didn't want to make things worse".

"I know", Addison says gently, sitting on the bed.

"I didn't want to die. I just wanted it to stop hurting".

"Well, drugs are not the answer".

"Then what is?"

Addison shakes her head. "I don't know. Maybe there isn't one. You can't just stop feeling. But Amy, drugs only make it worse. You might feel good for a while but when it's over it becomes ten times worse. And you have a family who loves you more than you can imagine; you should rely on that. You don't need to turn to drugs, you could just... turn to your family".

Amelia cries harder. "I screwed up. They hate me now. Derek hates me.".

Addison places a comforting hand in her arm. "They don't hate you. Derek just said those things because he was terrified and desperate. You were clinically dead for three minutes, Amelia. He was just scared to death and yelling at you was like an involuntary response. He didn't mean any of those things. And the rest of your family... They love you too and they want to help you. How long have you been doing drugs?"

Amelia shakes her head. "About a year, I think".

"Listen, when things calm down, they're going to talk to you. Discuss options. You need to get sober, Amy".

Amelia nods, still crying. "I'll try. I promise".

"Good. You know you can count on me too, right? Even if I'm not technically your family, I'll help you".

"Thank you".

"Alright, your mother and your sisters want to talk to you, so I'm going to go. Take care".

She leaves the room and finds Derek and Mark seated on the hallway floor, Mark with a comforting hand on Derek's shoulder. She sits beside them.

"I shouldn't have yelled at her", Derek says, looking miserable. "It's my fault. When my father died I swore I would take care of her. I failed. I let this happen".

"Hey", Addison holds his head in her hands. "Look at me. It's _not_ your fault. You didn't know. You did what you could do".

He's still not convinced though. He buries his head on her shoulder and they keep that way for a while.

"What time is it?", she asks Mark.

"1:46", he reponds.

"Well, happy New Year", Derek says sarcastically.

* * *

 _ **New York, 2005**_

They are in the bed in the on call room when the door is suddenly opened and Amelia is there. Her expression hard to read - confusion, surprise?

Addison swears. "Amy... I can explain-"

"I don't need an explanation. Derek does. Relax", she adds at the face Addison makes, "I'm not going to tell him. But you two", she points at both Addison and Mark, "Better figure this shit out, because he's going to find out eventually. I'm not judging you, I promise. I just hope you know what you're doing because everyone in the story might end up hurt".


	7. 9 Crimes

**Author's note: I'm just going to try to explain this again because people keeping asking me that question lol, sorry if I wasn't clear before: I would say this is both an Addek and a Maddison story, since my main goal is to explore Maddek throughout the years. That's why this story has chapters exploring Derek and Mark's friendship, as well as Addek and Maddison.**

 **Anyway, here's another chapter :)**

* * *

 _ **New York, 1991**_

Their first break up happens in the third year of Medical School. Second year was hard – a lot of stress and sleep deprivation – but they managed to go through it and stay together. It helped that Derek moved in with Addison at the beginning of second year – her parents had bought her an apartment near the _campus_ when dorm rooms had proven to be an awful place to study. But third year has been even worse. The stress and the fights became more often.

She wakes up that morning and Derek is not in the bed, so her eyes turn immediately to the desk in the room; she knows he woke up earlier than usual to study. He's been doing it quite frequently these days.

"Hey", she wraps her arms around him.

"Hey", he responds.

She kisses him. "You're tense", she notices, and then she realizes how hypocrite that sounds because she is stressed out too and she had a crappy night's sleep.

"Yeah", he admits. "I am".

"We could work on that", she smirks and kisses him again.

"I can't", he breaks them apart, as gently as he can. "Not right now, I'm sorry".

"Okay", she tries not to sound upset. "Then I guess I'm going to go get a coffee". She heads to the door.

"Addie", he calls her and she stops, "I'm sorry", he sighs. "I'm not doing anything right these days".

"What do you mean?"

He shakes his head. "I'm failing. I failed with Amelia, I'm failing at tests, I'm failing with you".

She frowns. "Derek, you're not failing, what are you talking about?", she sighs. "Actually I know. It's your hero complex again".

"My hero complex?", he raises his eyebrows.

"Yes! You think you have to be perfect at everything and you're always trying to save everyone like you're some sort of god and… You can't, Derek. I know it sucks because I'm a perfectionist myself, but at some point you're going to have to accept that you can't handle so many responsibilities and still expect to be perfect at all of them".

He sighs, thinking for minute. "You're right, I can't handle all of this. Maybe we should… have a break. For now, I mean. Until things calm down".

She frowns. "Are you breaking up with me?"

He sighs again. "Yes. I think we should both focus on our careers now. We're not doing a good job trying to handle both our careers and our relationship".

She knows he's right, they're not doing a good job, but still there's a little bit of hope in her, a voice in her head begging them to try harder. "Fine", she gives in, biting her lip to prevent the tears from falling.

"I'm sorry", he looks very sad too. "It's not forever. And we're still going to be friends, right?"

"Right", she sighs.

* * *

After a few months though, Addison thinks the whole "friends" speech is becoming ridiculous because you're not supposed to have sex with someone if you're trying to be just friends with them, but it keeps happening. Derek has been living at Mark's apartment since they broke up, but sometimes he shows up on her door and it happens.

"I thought you said we were going to be just friends?", she points out once.

"We are. It's just sex, we're not in a relationship".

"I know, it's just… don't you think this proves that we don't know how to be just friends?", she sighs. "I can't keep doing this. I've been trying not to think too much about you since we broke up, because that way I can focus on my career and because that helps me seeing you as friend, but then you show up here and we have sex, and I love you, and it's not helping me focus on my career at all, so we either end this right now or we go back to being a couple because I'm freaking out. Also, third year is almost over. Can we please make up once it's over?", she pours out.

"We can", he smiles and she smiles back, relieved. "And I only show up here because I love you too and I miss you".

* * *

 _ **New York, 1992**_

Their second break up happens during internship.

"How is she doing?", Derek asks her about the baby Dr. Webber put her in charge of, the baby she's been monitoring for almost a week.

"She's... not good", Addison admits. "I'm doing my best though. She has to survive. She has gone so far... What about you, what about the man with the brain tumor?"

"Still running exams, but I think we're going to operate soon".

"Good", she smiles. "You really deserve that surgery". She turns to the baby. "Damn it, she's coding again, it's the third time today". She rushes to help her. " _Damn it_ , she's not responding to epi, Derek, page Dr. Webber".

Derek looks anxious but he doesn't move.

"Derek!", she asks urgently. "Page Dr. Webber!"

"He said you're supposed to do this by yourself".

"Derek!", she cries.

"Fine, I'll page him".

Dr. Webber is there seconds later, but it's too late.

"She coded", Addison explains, devastated. "I did everything I could, she didn't respond".

"Dr. Montgomery, that baby was going to die anyway. It wasn't your fault."

"What?"

"There's no way we could have saved her".

She frowns, skeptical. "Then why...?"

"It was a lesson. You have potential to be a great surgeon but to do that you need to learn distance from your patients".

She stares at him in utter disbelief. "Are you kidding me?", she says angrily. She looks at Derek then. "Did you know about this?"

"Yes", he admits, guilty. "He's right, you need to learn distance".

"I can't believe both of you", she walks away from them and Derek follows her into the hallway.

"Addison".

"Leave me alone".

"You know distance is important if you want to become a better surgeon".

"A better surgeon?", she stops and looks at him skeptically, not even bothering to hold back the tears. She shakes her head. "Who _are_ you? I didn't know you could be this cold. And you lied to me. You know what? I'm learning distance. I'm breaking up with you".

* * *

It's been six months. In that time, she dated another intern for almost two months and it bothered him. He noticed a resident flirting with her a couple of times and it bothered him. He tried dating too but he couldn't move on from her and it bothered him.

"You're really going to let her go?", Mark asked him once, pointing at Addison and the resident.

"She's mad at me, what can I do?", Derek responds.

"Apologize, maybe?"

"I did what I thought it was right".

"You're willing to let her go because of your stupid pride?"

"I'm not going to apologize just because I saw her with another guy", he ended the discussion.

He really thought it was the right thing to do. Until he found himself attached to a boy who had been his patient for a month. He died, and Derek was terribly sad.

He found her in the on call room. He had heard she also lost a patient that day.

"Are you here to lecture me?", Addison asks sarcastically.

"No", he responds gently. "Can I sit?", he points at the spot next to her in the bed.

She shrugs.

He sits next to her. "I'm here to apologize. I still think learning distance is important, but you were right. That was a cold way to teach you a lesson. I'm really sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing for you to become the amazing surgeon I always knew you would be. I didn't mean to hurt you. And I'm sorry I lied to you".

"Yeah", she sighs. "I'm sorry you lost your patient. Mark told me about it".

"I'm sorry you lost yours".

They sit in silence for a moment.

"I'm exhausted", she breaks the silence.

"Me too".

They are actually so exhausted that they don't mind sleeping in the same bed.

They wake up almost at the same time.

"Are you still mad at me? Because I was afraid you were going to kick me out of this bed any minute".

She laughs slightly. "I thought about doing that a couple of times", she jokes. "But actually no, I was too tired to think about anything. And yes, I'm still a little bit mad at you. For lying to me. But I recognize I was wrong when I thought you were becoming cold. You didn't. You're not cold".

"Thanks", it's all he says for a few seconds. "Can we stay a little longer in this bed or are you rested enough to kick me out now?", he teases again.

She rolls her eyes. "I'm _not_ kicking you out, relax".

"Good", he smiles, and then sighs. "I missed you".

"I missed you too", she admits.

And before they realize, they're kissing.

"You know, we don't have time for make up sex right now", she teases.

"Later, then", he teases back.

* * *

 _ **New York, 2005**_

Most of the time, Mark tried not to think about the possibility of Derek finding out about him and Addison. Most of the time, he didn't think about anything at all when he was with her. But he did worry sometimes, and his head would create a few scenarios about how it would be like if he found out. But none of those scenarios included Derek actually walking in on them. And none of those scenarios could describe the look on Derek's face that moment. The look that makes Mark fear that they are never going to be able to fix this, that things between them are ruined forever and that they will never be the same again.

"Get out of my house", Derek says in a low and threatening voice. "Now".

Mark looks at Addison. He doesn't know what to do that won't make things worse. "Go, Mark", she agrees, desperate, and he doesn't want to leave her to handle this on herself, but he figures him being there right now won't help at all.

He can still hear them fighting when he leaves the house. He drives to his apartment, but he comes back before he gets there. He shouldn't just run away, he needs to know if she is okay.

Derek's car is not there anymore. The front door is unlocked, so he comes in. She's seated on one step of the stairs, crying, and she looks disappointed when he opens the door, as if he was not the one she was expecting to come back.

"What are you doing here?", she asks, tired. "You have to go".

"Where is he?"

"I don't know, he just left". She takes a deep breath; she's doing the exact same face she does every time she's in surgery stuck with an impossible situation and trying to figure out what to do next, except for the crying thing this time. "You have to go. I can't have you here right now".

"I'm not leaving you like this".

"Go, Mark!", she raises her voice.

He doesn't want to leave her, but he doesn't want her to feel worse, so he leaves.

* * *

"Have you heard from him?", Mark asks her about a week later at the hospital.

"Yes. He didn't answer any of my calls so I asked Amelia to find out where he is". She pauses, shaking her head. "He's in Seattle. He took a job offer. I don't think he's coming back, Mark".

He nods, looking sad.

That was the third time she and Derek broke up. And this time, unlike the others, she doesn't know if they're ever going to get back together.

Addison sighs. "Do you think it was worth it? Me losing my husband, you losing your best friend, so we could do whatever the hell we were doing?"

"I don't know", he admits.

She doesn't know either, but she has to. She has to know whether or not she just threw her life away.


	8. Skinny Love

**Author's note: A little warning: there is a mention of MerDer at the end of this chapter, only because I think it's important to explore Derek's side of this situation too, since I'm showing Mark and Addison's side, but I know most people who are reading this don't ship it, so don't worry, I do not plan on writing any more MerDer in this story.**

 **This chapter is kinda long, I hope it's not confusing haha.**

 **Anyway, I just broke my own heart writing this chapter lol.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 _ **New York, 1989**_

All five of them are gathered at Addison's apartment, taking turns quizzing each other for exams.

Mark likes it that they're always helping each other. It's nice to know you can count on people when things get hard. They're friends. Even if he thinks they will probably be fighting over surgeries and patients in a few years. But he also thinks they will still root for each other, no matter what. They want each and every one of them to be happy, and they will do what they can to make that happen. That's what friends are supposed to do.

* * *

 _ **New York, 1991**_

She just delievered a baby, and he is so cute she can't stop staring at him, smiling.

She barely notices Derek's approach.

"Look at him", she points at the baby. "He almost died, but he is okay now. He's so beautiful ".

"He is", he agrees. He looks at her, curiously. "Do you think you ever want kids?"

"I don't know. Do you?"

He shrugs. "Maybe one day", he smiles.

"Yeah. Maybe one day", she smiles back.

* * *

 _ **New York, 2005**_

She was in love with Mark. Even before Derek left. It was not just sex, and she knows that now.

She shows up on his door late that night, carrying a suitcase, which makes her feel sort of stupid.

"Hey", Mark looks at her, then at the suitcase, then at her again, waiting for an explanation.

"I can't sleep in that house anymore", she says quickly. "Derek's presence is everywhere".

"Okay", he lets her come in.

She doesn't have to give further explanation, because he understands. She doesn't have to say that she wants to make things work with him so she won't feel like she threw her marriage away for nothing. She doesn't have to say that she needs him. She doesn't have to say anything before they kiss, urgently, their clothes off in a matter of seconds. He knows all of that. Most of the times they don't have to say anything to each other. They just know.

She wasn't sure before what exactly she felt for him. She banished any thoughts on that matter. She was married, she was confused, she was guilty and therefore she was scared of admitting any feelings towards him. But there is no reason to lie to herself now that Derek's gone. As she lies in bed with him that night, her head on his chest, his hand gently stroking her back until he stops and she figures he fell asleep, she looks at him and it hits her: she is in love with him. She is still scared to say it out loud. But maybe he knows that too.

Weeks pass and she feels like she's a teenager again. Being in some sort of forbidden relationship; people at the hospital looking at her and whispering to each other, judging her, pretending they weren't talking about her when she comes near them. It's like high school all over again. She wonders what kind of names they are calling her now.

Not that she cares anyway. She has too much to deal with right now; too many things she needs to figure out. There are moments when she is completely happy with Mark; that feeling you get when you finally find the thing that was missing for such a long time you had lost all hope of finding it. There are moments when she feels loved. There are moments when she stops worrying about everything because the two of them are the only thing that matters. But then there are moments when she's not sure if any of that is real, and she is scared. There are moments when she remembers what they did, what _they're doing_ , and she is guilty. There are moments when that voice in her head insists that she shouldn't give up on Derek so easily.

"What's wrong?", he asks her one night after sex, noticing that she's upset.

"I just... feel terrible sometimes", she sighs. "I'm a cheater. I never thought I'd become a cheater".

"Well, there's a simple solution to that. Just ask Derek for a divorce", he says gently.

She shakes her head. "I can't do that. Not until I'm sure".

"I love you. Derek doesn't. What else do you need to be sure?", he sounds impatient now.

She takes a few seconds to process what he just said, surprised. He never said that he loved her before. Or at least not with words. She takes another few seconds to gather her thoughts. "I love you too. But I've loved Derek for almost twenty years. I can't just... I need more time to think".

"Fine", he says, but now he is upset too.

The truth is she has no clue what to do with her life anymore. She finds out Mark slept with someone else a few days later and it makes her even more uncertain. And apparently the universe thinks she doesn't have enough to deal with already; that's what she thinks when, a month later, her pregnancy test come out positive.

She sits on the bathroom floor, trying to calm herself down. She woke up earlier than him so she could take the test without him knowing about it, because she didn't want to tell him if she was pregnant. She had already decided to have an abortion if that was the case, so there was no reason to tell him that there ever was a baby. She can't have a baby _now_. _They_ can't have a baby now. So she gets rid of the test and she doesn't tell him anything when he wakes up.

But her conscience won't let her have peace that day, or the next day. He deserves to know.

So the next day she waits nervously for him to wake up. She's trying to have some decent breakfast, but she can't eat anything right now. She takes a deep breath when he walks into the kitchen.

"Hey", he kisses her.

"Mark, we need to talk", she mumbles into his mouth.

"Right now?", he kisses her again.

" _Mark_ ", she breaks them apart. "We need to talk".

"Okay", his face turn serious, slightly worried. "What is it?"

She takes another deep breath. "I'm pregnant".

"What?", he is shocked. "Is it... are you sure it's mine?"

"Yes".

Then his shock turns into a smile and she's about to ask him if he heard it correctly. "We're having a baby?"

She frowns. "Are you... _happy_ about it?"

"Of course", he is still smiling. "We're having a baby!"

She is shocked at first, and then the fact that he is happy makes her feel bad. She can't tell him about her abortion plans right now.

She avoids him at work because she doesn't want to talk about that anymore. But when she comes home at night and he's already there, she has to face it.

"Look what I got". He smiles and shows her a Yankees onesie and a calendar. "I marked the due date. I mean, it's just a guess, we still have to know for sure how long you've been pregnant-"

"Mark", she interrupts, softly. She just keeps looking at him and apparently her face says everything.

"You don't want this baby, do you?", he realizes.

"No", she admits, looking away.

"You want to have an abortion".

"Yes". She looks at him again. "I'm sorry".

"Because having a baby with me means that you'll never get a chance to go back to Derek", his voice is bitter now.

"It's not just that", she defends herself.

"What I don't understand is _why_ ", he continues, ignoring what she said. "Why would want to go back to him, why would you want to go back to being miserable when _we_ could be happy".

She thinks about that for a moment, and then she shakes her head. "I can't just forget eleven years of marriage, Mark, I can't just wash eleven years out of my head. I wasn't _always_ miserable with him. There was a time when he and I were happy".

And it _was not_ just about Derek. The next day, when she catches Mark with a nurse, she is sure that this child deserves more than the two of them as parents. He says he loves her but he doesn't know how to compromise; she starts to think she's just another woman in his life, another woman he gets to screw. And she's in love with him but she still loves someone else. As she walks into the abortion clinic, she convinces herself that they would only ruin that child. As she walks out of the clinic and into her car, she breaks down. In another world where things wouldn't be so fucked up, that child would have a chance. She cries until she can't cry anymore and she realizes she never felt so alone in her life.

* * *

He was in love with Addison. Even before the whole affair thing began. He didn't know exactly when he had started to feel that way about her. Maybe months before. But she was still married to his best friend, and Mark is not someone who falls in love easily, so he banished those thoughts. Until the affair happened and he couldn't ignore it anymore, even though he still tried not to think about it because _she was still married to his best friend_ and he wasn't sure if she felt the same or how she felt about him at all.

But that night she lies her head on his chest, something she never did before, and he immediately caresses her hair and her back, like it's the most natural thing in the world, and he can't repress any thoughts anymore. That's it. He is in love with her. And he thinks she might be in love with him as well.

He is in love with her and it scares him, because having feelings for someone is something that scares him, and the fact that he could lose her any minute because she still loves Derek scares him even more.

There are moments when he is absolutely happy with her, the kind of happiness you feel when you finally get something you've wanted for a long time but you couldn't have. There are moments when he is not scared because loving each other feels so good and it feels like it will be that way forever.

But then there are moments when she is clearly unsure about them and she is clearly thinking about Derek, never mentioning a divorce, and it's like you finally got that thing you wanted and now someone is threatening to take it away from you. And that's when he does the stupidest thing out of fear and anger: he sleeps with someone else, an attempt to prove to himself that she's not that important to him. That he doesn't love her that much.

When she tells him she's pregnant, he thinks maybe the universe is on their side this time. They finally have the chance to be happy together, to be a family. He has no idea how to be a father; his own parents neglected him for years and it wasn't until he met Derek, and the Shepherds would treat Mark like one of them, that he felt like he had a real family. But he's willing to try anyway. And then he discovers she doesn't think the same. So he does the stupid thing again, and she finds out this time, and he knows he just made everything worse.

She doesn't come home for the next few days, until she finally does, but she doesn't give him time to explain anything. "I need my stuff", she goes immediately to the bedroom, gathering her clothes and throwing them in the suitcase.

"Where are you going?"

"I've been called for a case in Seattle".

"You're going to Seattle?"

"Yes".

He finally asks the question that has been haunting him. "Did you abort our baby?"

"Yes".

He can tell she's hurt, even though she's trying to hide it. Even though she's assuming the "Satan" pose, trying to look cold and unaffected.

Of course she is hurt. He hurt her.

"Goodbye, Mark", she leaves the apartment.

He wanted to prove to himself that he didn't really love her that much. Except he does. And those last two words break his heart.

He fucked up twice. He fucked up with Derek and he fucked up with Addison. In two months he lost his best friend and the woman he loves. He asks himself when is he going to stop hurting everyone he cares about.

* * *

 _ **Seattle, 2005**_

He was in love with Meredith. He didn't plan for it. When he met her he was drowning himself in alcohol, trying to numb the pain of being betrayed by the two people in the world he trusted the most. But she wasn't revenge. He fell in love with her. And the two months he spent with her gave him hope. He could be happy again. He _is_ happy with Meredith. The kind of happiness you feel when you've been in a toxic situation and then suddenly you're free. He could just forget that whole story. He could move on and never think about it again.

It seems like a good plan. Until Addison shows up in Seattle, and he is forced to face it.


	9. The Scientist

**Author's Note: lol I'm sorry in advance for the angst in the present. I'm planning for the next chapter to be a little happier for Addek in the present though. Anyway, enjoy the angst for now, I guess? haha**

* * *

 _ **New York, 1989**_

The Montgomerys house had plenty of space and a pool, which promised an exciting summer day for the five. Or six, since Archer was there too. Derek was glad that Addison came up with that idea because, although summer vacations are exciting at first, they can become really boring if you have nothing to do all day.

It's a beautiful summer day, indeed, and to say they're having fun would be an understatement.

"I'll get more beer", Addison declares after a few hours, getting out of the pool.

"I'll help you", Derek offers.

"That's right", Mark teases, "Go find somewhere else to make out. If Sam and Naomi want to go too, I'd really appreciate if you wouldn't do it in the pool while I'm around".

Naomi rolls her eyes jokingly. "You're just cranky because you got dumped again".

"I didn't get dumped", he says, defensive. "I was the one who dumped her".

Derek and Addison enter the house. "I understand", Bizzy is speaking to the phone, "I'll see what I can do. I'll call you later". She hangs up and then notices them. "Addison, have you seen your father?"

"No", she shrugs. "He's not in his office?"

"No, I just went there. Well, if you see him around tell him I need to speak to him, tell him it's important; I'll be upstairs".

"Sure".

"And how many times have I told you not to wear a bikini inside?", Bizzy reprimands her. "Go cover yourself, for heaven's sake".

Addison rolls her eyes and heads to the kitchen, followed by Derek.

She opens the fridge, handing the beers to him.

Derek can't repress a smile. "You know, I think Mark's idea was actually a good idea".

She raises an eyebrow at him and then looks inside the fridge again. "You want to make out in my parents' kitchen? What _are_ we, teenagers?"

He keeps grinning; he moves towards her and kisses her neck a few times until she gives in.

He places the drinks on the kitchen counter and in a few seconds she's seated there as well, her legs wrapped around his waist while they kiss, until they hear a sudden noise of something hitting the ground.

"What was that?", Derek breaks them apart.

"Something in the pantry must have fallen", she grumbles, slightly frustrated for having their moment ruined. "Oh God, I hope it's not a rat again. Because if it is I'm going to run away screaming and you're going to have to deal with it".

He chuckles.

She heads to the pantry in the back of the kitchen, opening the door carefully, and he follows her.

He _wishes_ it was a rat instead of what he saw. He looks away fast, but he doesn't think he will ever get the image of Addison's father screwing someone out of his head.

" _Really_?", Addison's voice is cold. She crosses her arms. "Bizzy is looking for you", she tells her father, sarcastically.

"Oh". There are no signs of guilt in the Captain's voice. "Is she...?"

"She's upstairs", she responds sharply.

She closes the door while the two people in the pantry quickly get dressed. They are out in a few seconds, and Derek doesn't know what to do besides looking at the ground, embarrassed.

Soon he and Addison are the only ones left in the kitchen.

"That maid has been working here for less than two weeks", she comments skeptically. She sighs and shakes her head. "He's never going to change, is he?"

She looks at Derek. Even though he has always been the respect-your-parents kind of person, he really wants to punch the Captain right now because Addison doesn't deserve that.

"I'm sorry", he says, placing a comforting hand on her back.

"Yeah. I'm sorry you had to see _that_. It's not his best look", she manages to joke.

Derek thinks summer vacations are exciting; but having all that free time also forces you to face things you don't want to face - your family, your thoughts, your doubts, yourself.

* * *

 _ **Seattle, 2005**_

They tell you to forgive. They tell you that resentment is toxic, unhealthy for you. They say forgiveness will set you free. But they don't always tell you how _hard_ forgiveness is. When someone hurts you, you _want_ to hurt them back.

Derek couldn't even think about forgiving Addison at first. He just wanted her to go back to New York and disappear from his life. But he reconsidered. He had taken vows, eleven years ago, and she had been his family for so long that it seemed wrong to end things like that. He couldn't just pretend all those years never happened. He spent days thinking whether he should allow himself to be happy with Meredith or try to make things work with Addison. And he reluctantly decided to do what he thought was the right thing. Even if it hurts, even if it doesn't make him happy, he has to try.

 _Try._ It's a word that now has been bothering him. He's _trying_ to forgive her. But it's hard. Sometimes the image of her and Mark naked on their bed invades his thoughts, and it's hard. He tries not to throw things in her face, but it's hard. Like the time when they had a fight and he couldn't hold it back and accused her of "becoming her father's daughter", regretting those words immediately when he noticed the hurt in her face; he knew nothing he could say or do would hurt her more than that.

"I'm sorry", he said. "I didn't mean to...", _hurt her_ _?_ Then why did he say that, anyway? He knew it was not fair. He sighed, exasperated. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I _don't_ want to hurt you".

She nodded but didn't respond, biting her lip.

He really didn't want to hurt her back. He had wanted, in her first days in Seattle, but he didn't anymore. They have caused enough pain to each other already.


	10. Just Give Me A Reason

**Author's note: This is the happy(ish) Addek chapter that I said I'd try to write haha. It's short but I hope you all like it! :)**

* * *

 _ **New York, 1996**_

The doorbell rings a couple of times, insistently. They aren't expecting anyone, so Derek frowns when he sees Mark and... is that a dog?

"Hey", Mark starts with that well known grin that indicates he is up to something and Derek is about to get in trouble. "Listen, I need a favor. Jessica and I are going to spend two weeks in the Bahamas and we don't have anyone to take care of the dog while we're gone so I thought maybe you and Addison would like to have a dog for a few days? I mean, I know you guys don't want kids yet, but what about a dog? Just for two weeks, you know. I mean, I read that many people start with a dog before deciding to have children".

"Whoa, slow down", Derek makes a gesture with his hand. "Who is Jessica?"

"My girlfriend", Mark says as if it's obvious. "You know, the new anesthesiologist?"

"Right", Derek thought Mark's girlfriend was Nicole, but apparently he had already moved on and Derek didn't catch up this time. He points at the dog. "And this is her dog?"

"Yeah".

Derek looks at Addison and she frowns. "You want us to take care of some stranger's dog?", she asks Mark. "I mean, we barely know her".

"I convinced her you two are very responsible", Mark grins again. "And she likes you guys already. You are Derek-and-Addison, everyone likes you two 'cause they think you're the perfect couple".

Derek spends a few seconds thinking if this is a good idea.

"Will you please take the dog?", Mark insists.

Addison shrugs, looking at Derek. "Well, he's kind of cute", she admits.

"Fine", Derek agrees reluctantly.

"Thank you", Mark says, relieved. "Look, I brought everything he needs. His name is Jack, by the way. Alright, Jack, say hello to your temporary parents", Mark hands the dog to him. "Be a good boy".

"You're right, he _is_ cute", Derek recognizes after Mark leaves.

"Yeah", she smiles at the dog. "Hey, Jack. We're going to have fun, aren't we?"

* * *

"When you asked us to take care of your girlfriend's dog", Derek observes when Mark comes back from the Bahamas, "You failed to mention he was the canine version of the devil. He pees everywhere. He _peed_ on our _very_ expensive carpet. And he eats _everything_. He ate the bottom of one of Addison's dresses. She is pissed. He also ruined our sofa".

"Sorry", Mark says, embarrassed.

"You're sorry?", Derek raises his eyebrows.

"If I told you, you wouldn't agree to take care of him", Mark confesses.

"You're unbelievable", Derek remarks, slightly mad, but not really; he's used to getting in trouble because of Mark. "You know that theory of yours?", he can't help but bring that up though. "That married couples start with dogs before having kids? I'm afraid your dog scared us for life, thank you", he jokes sarcastically. "I don't think we're going to have kids any time soon".

* * *

 _ **New York, 2005**_

Addison wakes up at the sound of very loud barks next to their bed.

"What is it, Doc?", she asks the dog, still half asleep.

He keeps barking, which makes Derek grumble, until she sighs and gets up. Doc runs to the trailer's door, scratching it while making noises.

"What is it? You need to pee?" She opens the trailer's door and the dog immediately runs outside. She waits outside of the trailer, but turns out the dog didn't want to pee.

"Really?", she asks when she realizes what he wants, a little bit annoyed. Doc looks at her eagerly and she sighs. "Derek", she calls. "Doc wants to play".

"It's 5 a.m.", Derek complains in a sleepy voice. "Get him back inside".

"Alright, come on, Doc, we can play later", she forces him to go inside, closes the door and goes back to bed.

She barely closes her eyes when Doc jumps onto the bed, barking insistently, startling both of them.

"Jesus", Derek exclaims. "Come on, Doc, just go back to sleep".

"He won't leave us alone until we play with him", Addison realizes, getting out of the bed again.

"Really?", Derek grumbles.

"Come on, it's not that early anyway".

Derek sighs and gets up. "We really need to work on you letting dogs tell you what to do", he jokes.

Their crankiness quickly goes away though, and they actually manage to have fun - throwing sticks so Doc can bring them back, running after him when Doc demands, laughing at each other for no evident reason. Addison can't remember the last time she and Derek were happy like that.

It is like a glimpse of what their lives used to be. And, before she notices, she finds herself holding onto that happiness, desperately, afraid that it might slip through her fingers any second.

* * *

 **Everyone, there are only a few more chapters planned until the end of this story, and I'm kind of running out of ideas, so, is there anything y'all still want me write in this story? Any suggestions? Headcanons? Unfortunately though, I decided I won't be writing any AUs in this story - maybe in another one though ;) - but if you guys have some possible scenarios you think I should write about, preferably in the Med School years, tell me!**

 **Also: do you guys think I should name the chapters? Because my brain insists on relating songs to fictional characters lol, so I ended up thinking of songs that remind me of chapters from this story and vice versa, I don't know if it's a good idea?**


	11. I Will Follow You Into The Dark

**Author's Note: Thank you all for your suggestions! They actually made me a little more inspired for the next chapters. Though I'm still kind of uninspired these days, which is why some chapters are so short (including this one). But hopefully it will get better :)**

 **Anyway, don't forget to review, and keep sending suggestions if you want to, maybe they will help this story to last a little longer than originally planned.**

 **Also, I decided to rename the chapters with the title of songs that somehow remind me of them, or inspired me to write them, so tell me what you think of the choices!**

* * *

 ** _New York, 1993_**

It all happened so fast that her brain couldn't really process anything until she feels the impact and then there are pieces of glass everywhere and there's something warm on her forehead.

"Addison!", someone screams her name, getting her out of her shock.

"Derek!", she screams back.

"Are you okay?", he asks, alarmed.

 _An accident_ , her brain finally process. _We're in the middle of a car accident._

She analyzes herself. Apart from the pain in her forehead, she feels fine. "I- I think so", she stutters. "Are you?"

"Yeah- I think so too".

A woman passing by offered to call an ambulance, and he reaches out for her hand while they wait. "We're going to be okay", she reassures him, interlacing their fingers.

"You're bleeding", he notices, still agitated.

That explains the pain in her forehead. "I know. It's probably nothing. _We're okay_ " , she repeats. "Take a deep breath", she's not sure if she's saying that to him or to herself.

Derek takes a deep breath, wincing immediately, which makes her panic a little. "Dammit, I think I broke a rib".

They are separated at the hospital, going through a bunch of exams. She was right: she had a cut in her forehead and a couple more less deep cuts in her arms and legs, but other than that she was fine.

Derek, on the other hand, does have a broken rib, but apparently he convinced the nurses to let him see her before they took him back to his room.

"You sure you're okay?", he rubs her cheek.

"Yeah, just a few cuts. What about you?"

"Broken rib. But I'm fine. We're fine", he smiles relieved, wrapping his arms around her.

"We are", she smiles too and holds him tighter.

"Ouch", he complains. "Broken rib, remember?"

"Sorry", she places her arms around his neck instead, pulling away after a few seconds. "Do you know what exactly caused the accident?"

"We got hit by some drunk teenager", he rolls his eyes. "The nurses told me he is fine too".

"You know, I'm actually pissed because I had a really cool surgery scheduled for today", she jokes.

He laughs, but then raises his eyebrows. "Are you kidding me? I'm going to need rest for _six weeks_. Which means Dr. Webber is pissed too, by the way. I heard him yelling at someone that his two favorite residents almost died today, and one of them won't be operating for weeks".

"Six weeks? Does that mean I get to take care of you?", she smirks.

"I guess so", he smirks back.

* * *

 _ **Seattle, 2005**_

Of course he had to play the hero. A freaking bomb could blow up any second but her stubborn husband wouldn't leave the O.R.

Well, of course he couldn't abandon an open patient on the table. No doubt she would have done the same if she was the one operating in there; actually, she is afraid that's what she will have to do, ask Richard for an O.R. soon because Bailey is refusing to push her baby out. She knows that's the right thing to do, she knows the patient's life comes first, but for an unreasonable moment, when she found out Derek's life was in danger, she felt ice running through her veins and she selfishly wished that he would just run away to somewhere safe.

He couldn't die. She didn't know what she would do if he died. She couldn't bear that thought. Him being miles away from her in Seattle while she was in New York, she had been able to deal with that. But being _dead_? No way. It also wouldn't be fair if he died before they could work things out. It wouldn't be fair if the universe gave up on them before _they_ gave up on them. She took a deep breath then, trying to stay calm. _Everything is going to be okay_ , she told herself. _He is not going to die, and Bailey's husband is not going to die, and Bailey is going to have this baby today, and everything is going to be okay._

She needs to stay calm, for Bailey. She's trying. But talk about being calm when someone you love might disintegrate any second.

* * *

"Where is she?", he asks desperately, almost demanding.

"She's right here", Richard answers and then Addison is there, throwing her arms around him, relieved.

He can't do anything but hold her too, even though she wasn't the one he was worried about. He knows he should feel bad for thinking about Meredith first, but he can't. After all, Meredith was the one with the bomb in her hand. Meredith was the one who could die immediately. Of course he would think about her first, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love Addison too. _Right_?

* * *

 **Note: Since I'm following the events of the show, I realized it's kind of impossible not to hint MerDer now, sorry if you guys don't ship it. I'll try not to write much about it while still doing justice to the show.**


	12. Hallelujah

**Author's Note: OMG guys, I'm so dumb! I** ** _thought_** **about writing a chapter about Addek and Christmas (because they love Christmas! that chapter** ** _had_** **to exist) and then I _forgot_? _WTF is wrong with me_? lol. I don't know, maybe I got excited with the other ideas I had at the time and this one was pushed aside, and then a few days ago someone mentioned it and I was like "oh. dammit." I'm actually upset because the "present" was supposed to be in chronological order and now it's messy. I was already working on another chapter, but this one needs to happen first (it was supposed to happen before chapter 10 though, sorry for screwing up chronological order, I hope it doesn't happen again).**

 **Anyway, people, please don't forget to review. When you guys don't say anything I immediately assume it's because you hated it lol.**

 **Alright, enough with this note, enjoy!**

* * *

 _ **New York, 1988**_

"Are you going home for Christmas?", Derek asks her.

"Yeah", Addison replies. "Unfortunately, yeah", she sighs. "We're going to have this amazing dinner in which we're going to pretend to be a loving family and The Captain will probably keep asking me and Archer never ending questions about Med School and Bizzy will tell me I got fat", she jokes bitterly. "What about you?"

"I'm going home too", he shrugs.

"I'm sure you'll have a great time", she gives him a smile and he corresponds.

"Yeah. I hope you have a great time too, despite everything".

"Well, you know, despite everything, Christmas has always been my favorite holiday".

"Really?", he raises his eyebrows. "It's my favorite holiday too", he smiles. And then it just hits him. "You know what? I have an idea".

She raises her eyebrows, waiting.

"We should have an anticipated Christmas celebration", he grins. "Just the two of us".

"Hmm, I like that idea".

They end up walking around the big Christmas tree near the dorm rooms, then getting in the car and driving nowhere specific because the point was just to see the lights and the decoration in the city, then finally stopping by a pizza restaurant - because that was a special Christmas and they would damn right eat pizza if they wanted too.

"This is the best Christmas ever", Addison declares when they go back into the car. "I mean it. This night was amazing. And special".

"It's not over yet. We need to go back to my room, I need to give you a present".

She narrows her eyes. "Are we talking about an actual object, or-"

"Yes, an actual object".

"Oh. Yeah, I bought you something too".

"Why, would you like the other kind of present?", he teases.

She elbows him jokingly. "It's Christmas, people are not supposed to have sex".

"Who cares? It's _our_ Christmas. Besides", he adds with a grin, "It's technically not Christmas yet".

"Or", she shrugs. "We could just stay here and watch the lights a while longer".

"Seems good to me", he smiles.

* * *

 _ **New York, 1992**_

They are spending Christmas Eve at the hospital. They are celebrating Christmas at the hospital. But they don't care. It's part of the job.

What Addison _does_ careabout are all those people who aren't at the hospital by choice. People who were supposed to be celebrating with their families but are lying on a hospital bed instead.

She sits on a bench outside the hospital, so lost in her own thoughts that she doesn't mind the cold.

Derek finds her there minutes later. "Hey. What are you doing here?"

"I'm just thinking", she shrugs.

"Okay", he sits beside her. "You want to talk about it?"

She sighs. "It's just... I was thinking about the people who can't celebrate Christmas at home. The patients, I mean. Especially the kids. They were supposed to be waiting for Santa Claus right now, not waiting for doctors and surgeries and treatments".

He sighs. "Yeah, that's awful".

"I have an idea", she announces, standing up.

"What is it?"

"Do you happen to know someone who has a Santa Claus costume?"

He frowns. "I think Mark has one. Don't ask me why, it's a long and embarrassing story. But why do you need that?"

She smiles, excited. "Nice. I gotta go find Mark", it's her only answer, then she rushes into the hospital.

"Can you please explain me what the hell are you thinking?", Derek follows her through the hallways.

"I'm going to bring Santa to this hospital".

"Oh. That's a great idea", he raises his eyebrows.

"Yeah, we just need to convince Mark to put on the costume and talk to the kids".

"Bad idea", he shakes his head. "Mark won't do that. He's _Mark_ ".

Mark does that - after they begged and insisted that the kids deserved to have some happiness on Christmas - and later that night they discover that he is actually great with kids when he wants to.

They end up visiting kids in their rooms, along with some other doctors and the kids' parents - who loved the idea and agreed to hand them the presents they had bought so that "Santa" could give them to the kids -, and singing their favorite Christmas songs.

It warms her heart so much she can't help but keep smiling.

"This is the best Christmas ever", Derek claims, holding her hand, and she knows he feels the same.

"Yeah, it is".

* * *

 _ **New York, 1995**_

Addison has the impression that it's always so _loud_ at the Shepherd's, whether it's the laughs and the conversations of the adults or the screams of the children running after each other or the cries of the babies.

Still, that's what Christmas was supposed to be like in a normal family. And she's glad that they have given her and Mark the opportunity to be part of that, since they never had a normal Christmas with their own families.

Though she didn't know what present to give to her sister-in-law that said "I'm sorry for almost killing you last Thanksgiving" and to her mother-in-law that said "I'm sorry I'm a terrible cook". What did they expect though? She had never cooked a Turkey and she couldn't even call her mother because _she_ had never cooked a Turkey either and she couldn't call Carolyn because she wanted to show her she could do this on her own.

She still thinks Carolyn hates her, but they still manage to have an amazing Christmas. She plays a little with her nieces and Derek's sisters make her laugh a lot. It's cozy and special and... loving. She would dare to say that was one of the best Christmas ever.

* * *

 _ **Seattle, 2005**_

He's not excited for Christmas. He barely listened to her talking about her Christmas plans. He avoids her all day, keeping himself busy with work. She finally finds him at Joe's at night, but her hopes of having one more of their magic Christmas crumble when he decides to be honest with her and tells her he is still in love with Meredith even though he chose to stay with her.

It hurts as if someone just stabbed her in the heart. She wishes he had told her that some other time. Not that night. Not on Christmas.

They go home soon, but it's not like they can celebrate anything in a trailer, especially not after his declaration.

This is definitely the worst Christmas ever.


	13. Stubborn Love

**Author's Note: Someone asked for a chapter about Maddek having fun in New York, this is it :)**

 **Thanks for asking because I had so much fun writing this chapter! Well, at least the first part haha.** **Anyway, I hope y'all like this chapter as much as I did. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I own none of the songs used in this chapter.**

 **By the way, the title is a song from The Lumineers, I think it fits Mark's POV in the second part so perfectly I want to cry.**

* * *

 _ **New York, 1993**_

"Another one, please", Mark asks the bartender, pointing at the empty cup in front of him.

The door opens and Derek and Addison walk into the bar.

"What about Sam and Naomi?", Mark inquires.

"They're not coming", Derek responds.

"What do you mean they're not coming? We need to celebrate!"

"They said they're very happy too and they would be here if they could but they need to stay home with the baby", Derek continues.

"Man, they're skipping all the fun these days".

"They have a newborn", Addison points out. "They have priorities now. Looks like it's going to be just the three of us for a while".

"Alright then", Mark shrugs. Then he gives them one of his famous grins. "I hope you're ready to have fun tonight because we're officially residents now!"

"Damn right we are", Addison smiles wildly.

"Yeah", Derek grins too. "Just don't get too drunk because I'm driving and I don't want to watch you two act crazy. It's not fun if I can't act crazy too".

"We don't need to be drunk to do crazy", Mark claims. "We're not interns anymore, we're like real doctors now! We're crazy enough already. We're like drunk in happiness".

They spend some time at the bar until it's late and Derek asks if they want to go home.

"Are you kidding me!?", Mark raises his eyebrows. "Of course not".

"The bar's closing".

"Well, then let's go somewhere else", Addison shrugs.

"Okay", Derek shrugs too, grabbing his keys. "Where?"

"I don't know. Does that matter?", she smirks.

Mark looks at her, impressed. "Have I ever mentioned how much I like the drunk version of Addison?"

"I'm not that drunk. I'm just freaking happy".

"If you say so", he teases. "But yeah, lets do this, we'll find somewhere".

Derek can't say no, because he is excited too.

Minutes later they're in the car, Mark on the backseat, the night pleasantly warm and the city very much awake.

A song comes up on the radio; it only takes two seconds for Mark to recognize it and he can't help but sing along.

" _Jessie is a friend_ ", he begins. " _Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine_ ".

" _But lately something's changed, it ain't hard to define_ ", Addison joins him, turning her head slightly from the passenger seat, and he has to repress a laugh because she's a terrible singer. " _Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine_ ".

Derek smiles as if he can't resist joining them. " _And she's watching him with those eyes_ ", the three of them are singing now. " _And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it! And he's holding her in his arms late, late at night_ ".

" _You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl!_ ", they hit the chorus.

"You guys realize this is a weird song for the three of us to be singing, right?", Derek jokes, raising his eyebrows.

"It would be, if it was you and me and anyone else, but _Mark_? Ew. That would _never_ happen", Addison teases. "Not in a million years".

"Hey", Mark protests. "I'm offended", he jokes, fake hurt.

But for one second his mind works faster than he would like and he tries to picture him and Addison in a romantic way. He looks at her differently - black dress, red lipstick, the wind messing with her hair but somehow she still managed to look beautiful - for one second, and then it's gone. He doesn't feel that way about her. She's his friend.

The next song comes up, and he realizes that maybe they would have to say goodbye to their vocal chords that night, because there's no way they wouldn't scream _Livin' On A Prayer_ out of their lungs. Now he is actually laughing; first, because he haven't had that much fun in a while; second, because they are ruining the song, especially Addison. But Derek is looking at her like her lack of singing skills is actually the cutest thing in the world, and Mark feels the urge to roll his eyes because his best friend is acting like a fool, but he also feels the urge to smile. He's happy for them.

"Can you believe this is really happening?", Addison turns off the radio after a couple more songs, against Mark's protests. "Four years ago we were Med students. Remember our fist week? You know, I met you guys on my first week of Med School and I had no idea you'd become such a big part of my life".

"I take it back", Mark teases, "I just remembered drunk Addison can be way too emotional".

Derek laughs, and Addison rolls her eyes jokingly . "I'm having a moment here, you two asshats", she teases back. "Fine, moment's passed".

"Good", Mark smiles. "Now let's go find a party".

* * *

 _ **Seattle, 2005**_

It's been months, but the feelings are still there. Still intense. Still strong enough to keep him awake at night. Still not gone when he sleeps with other women. The feelings that tormented him and propelled him to get on a plane to Seattle.

She didn't answer any of his calls, but word spreads fast. He knew she and Derek were back together, even though he'd had a thing with an intern. But he needed to try. Because if he didn't try, he would never stop thinking about what could have been if he had fought for her, and it would eat him alive.

Of course going to Seattle also meant that he would have to face Derek. It wouldn't be easy, but he knew that day would come sooner or later. He also had the tiniest hope - he knew it was impossible, but he couldn't help it - that maybe Derek would forgive him and things could go back to the way they were before this mess.

But forgiveness doesn't come with a punch in the face, right?

He guesses he deserved that.

Funny thing is that he is almost sure he got punched for hitting on the famous intern - old habits die hard -, not for sleeping with Addison. As if Derek is in love with Meredith. And here comes hope again. Maybe Addison would give in. And Mark would be there, waiting.

But she keeps telling him to go back to New York. He also discovers that she didn't tell Derek about the two months they had spent together. How can she expect to make things work if Derek doesn't love her anymore and their relationship right now is mainly based on lies? He desperately tries to make her see that there's no way that will work. Why does she insist on seeking love and happiness where she won't find it? Why does she keep pushing him away when just wants to make her happy?

"You're marriage is over, Addison", he says softly, later that day. "All you have to do is admit it".

Then he does one more desperate attempt. He asks her to meet him at the bar across the street.

And he waits.

"She won't show, you know", Meredith tells him, showing sympathy. Or maybe empathy, like she has been on that situation before.

"What if you're wrong?", he refuses to let go of hope. "What if just this once life comes down on the side of the dirty mistresses?"

But she was right. He waits. And waits. And waits.

Addison doesn't show up.

As if life wanted to punch him once more, _Jessie's Girl_ starts playing on the jukebox. _You've got to be fucking kidding me_ , he swears to himself, paying for the drinks and leaving the bar immediately.

* * *

No matter how much she wished things to get easier, they just seemed to get harder.

She should have known she couldn't avoid it forever. She couldn't hide from it. Even if she tried not to think about it, even if that subject hadn't come up between her and Derek for a while, she should have known that she would have to face it eventually, that all the history and pain the three of them shared now wasn't forgotten.

She didn't _want_ to face it, but the truth was still there, everywhere, surrounding her, ambushing her, until she couldn't escape it. "He's not in love with you", Mark had told her, "He's in love with that intern and he's not even trying to hide it". And then again in the elevator, when he claimed that her marriage was over. And then when he touched her, causing the feelings she had buried to resurface instantly, until she's left alone in the elevator, heart racing, taking deep breaths in order to control the tears and to keep her own mind from driving her insane.

Everything is a huge mess.

But still, she can't run from it. She still can't give up on her marriage.

"Can we talk?", she asks Derek the minute she's in the trailer.

"I don't want to talk to you right now", he answers sharply.

So, just like many times in their last months together in New York, they don't say a word to each other until the next day. And it sucks, because not talking means they can't face the truth together, and they will keep living a lie.

* * *

 **Note: So, I used two songs in this chapter and I don't know if you guys know the first one (it is on that movie 13 Going On 30, if you ever watched it). It was actually funny, I was just thinking about what song they could possibly be singing and this song popped up in my head and I was like "holy shit, that's it". It just fits their story lol. (Plus, I know the scene I wrote is set in the '90s, but I think they'd have more fun with songs from the '80s, since in the '80s** **they were teenagers** **).**


	14. Broken Strings

**Author's Note: All I have to say is that Broken Strings is such an Addek song, and it's so sad :/**

* * *

 ** _New York, 1993_**

"You really don't have to be here", Addison insists.

"Of course I do", Derek replies. "I'm your fiancé."

"That doesn't mean you have to come to the Montgomerys' boring events."

"I think it does. Plus, I kind of like to see that ring every time you shake those boring people's hands".

She smiles, but Archer rolls his eyes beside her.

"How can you still smile? My cheeks hurt from this fake smiling welcome-to-our-dinner-we-are-so-glad-to-have-you-here thing", Archer complains.

"We've been doing this since I was five, I thought you'd be used to it by now." She clears her throat and puts on another fake smile when another couple arrives. "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Henderson, we are very glad to have you here".

"The Captain and Bizzy are waiting for you in the dinning room", Archer imitates her.

She sighs when they enter the house. "Alright, my cheeks hurt too", she admits. "I hate this."

"You've being doing this since you were _five_?", Derek asks her.

"In our family, we learn to lie and pretend at a very young age.", she jokes sarcastically and then looks at him like she just remembered something. "Archer, can you handle this for a few minutes? Derek and I will be right back."

"Really?", Archer looks at her skeptically.

"We'll be right back", she reassures him. "I'm going to show him the secret place."

At that statement, Archer's expression softens a little. "Fine. Don't take too long."

"The secret place?", Derek raises his eyebrows.

"You'll see."

She guides him to her bedroom, upstairs; she leads him to a balcony, spreading her arms when they're both standing there. "Here it is. Whenever I got tired of the lies and the fake vain conversations and pretending everything was okay, I used to come and sit here. I decided this was the one place in this house where I didn't have to pretend, where I got to be myself. It was also the place where I could calm myself down every time something bad happened, and where I was able to think about things. I called it my 'secret place' when I was seven", she laughs lightly, rolling her eyes at herself, "even though it wasn't secret because it's not like it's _hidden_ , but no one bothered me here. Well, except for Archer, who joined me here sometimes and we talked."

He nods. "Oh. Wow. This is a nice place. Thank you for showing me this. And for telling me that story. I know it's not easy for you."

"It's okay. It just seemed right.", she shrugs. "You already know more about me than everyone else in the world.", she looks deeply at him and he returns the look. "Though I still have a bunch of other stories I'm saving for when we are married. So it won't get boring, you know", she teases.

"I might have tons of stories of my own too", he teases back. "But we can create new stories. New memories."

"Yeah, we can", she smiles.

"And when we get our own house you can find a new secret place", he teases again.

She shakes her head. "I can be myself around you. And there's nothing fake between us. We're real. I don't need a secret place when I'm with you."

* * *

 _ **Seattle, 2005**_

Pretending is what she's been taught to do. She's been told that it's easier to pretend everything is just fine than to face the truth. And she realizes that's what they have been doing. He pretends to love her, she pretends to believe it.

Mark's words echoed in her head for hours the day he showed up in Seattle. _How can you expect to work out a marriage if you can't even be honest with him?_

 _He's not in love with you, he's in love with that intern and he's not even trying to hide it._

 _Your marriage is over, Addison._

It was the truth. But Derek didn't want to talk about it. She wanted him to say something, anything, but he didn't. So she went back to doing what she's learned to do: avoiding the truth, pretending everything would be okay.

Sure, sometimes, it _seemed_ like it would be okay, like there was still hope. They had some good moments, like when she got poison oak and they ended up laughing like the old times. And there was this one particular moment that gave her more hope than any other. "I was indifferent towards you", Derek recognizes. "I was absent."

"Yes", she agreed, a little bit surprised.

"I'm partly to blame for what's happened to our marriage. I'm sorry. I'm working on it."

She hadn't expected him to recognize that, or apologize, in that precise moment, but he finally did. _We're not a lost cause_ , she thought. _We can still make this work._

But then, they found themselves pretending again, when he was clearly still in love with Meredith. And Addison knows not even she can pretend forever. She's been told that lies are better than the truth, because, sometimes, the truth is horrible; lies will keep you from facing it, and this way you'll be happy. But, many times in her life, she didn't agree with that. She thought that the weight of pretending was much heavier than the weight of the truth. Everything was _not_ okay, dammit. Her father _was_ a cheater. Her family was _far_ from perfect. And this time is no different. Her husband _doesn't_ love her. He _is_ in love with _someone else_. Her marriage _is_ falling apart.

There's no "secret place" this time, so she bursts out at him, throwing the truth in his face, pathetically demanding to know what else does she have to do to make him love her, before noticing that pretty much the whole hospital is watching them. There she is, a Forbes Montgomery, making a scene in front of everyone. But right now she doesn't really care.

She's sick of being fake happy. She wants the real happiness back, and she has tried everything. She doesn't know what to do to anymore.


	15. Dance Me To The End Of Love

**Author's Note: About the title of this chapter, I heard a cover of this song by The Civil Wars and it's so beautiful, and it gave me the idea to write this. It wasn't planned at first (I guess that's why it's so short), but I thought it _had_ to be written after listening to that song. It's very heartbreaking for Addek though, I'm warning you. And I'm sorry. But it's actually Shonda's fault, not mine haha. Also, I'm sorry this chapter is so short. Next one will be longer, I promise. **

* * *

_**New York, 1994**_

"Come on, it's not that hard", Addison laughs, pausing the song one more time.

"You know I can't dance", Derek protests.

"Let's just try again."

They try again, and again, again, but it's still a disaster.

"Why do we need a choreography, anyway?", Derek complains.

"It's a slow dance, Derek, it's not _Dirty Dancing_ , come on, you can do this."

"I'm serious, we don't need a choreography. Let's just do whatever. It will be more natural. And people will think it's actually sweet."

She looks as him thoughtfully.

"We don't do fake, remember? Besides, I'm not going to learn this dance in less than two weeks anyway."

"Fine", she decides. "Bizzy will kill us though", she raises an eyebrow.

"She probably will", he laughs. "Who cares? It will be our day. We shouldn't be stressing about anything. We're already going to be in the center of a hotel ballroom, with everyone looking at us. We should have fun. Now, I say we play this song again and we dance spontaneously."

And that's what they do.

"See, this is so much better."

"Shut up, Derek", she rests her head on his shoulder. "Just enjoy the song."

"Alright", he smiles.

* * *

 _ **New York, 2005**_

Eleven years later, dancing with her doesn't feel the same anymore. The feelings are simply not there, no matter how hard he tried to bring them back. He did love her once, but now all there's left between them are ruins and imperfect images of what their life used to be - like ghosts. He's been trying to save something, but he's finally beginning to admit that there's nothing left to save.

He can't explain the impulse that guides him next. One minute he's dancing with Addison, the other one he's following Meredith into that on-call room.

He knows what's going to happen and he knows it's wrong, but he can't help it, because somehow it feels right.

The minutes he spends with Meredith in that room feel right, as if he just found what was missing. It feels _real_. Not an imitation of reality, but a bright, vivid view.

So, he finally stops thinking. He doesn't _have_ to think anymore. His heart has made the decision for him.


	16. Send My Love (To Your New Lover)

_**New York, 1993**_

"Morning, birthday girl", Mark lifts his head from the papers and gives her a big smile.

"Hi", she smiles back. "Hey, have you seen Derek, by the way? The last time I saw him was like three hours ago and he's not in surgery, I checked the board."

"Uh- No, I don't know where he is", Mark stutters. "He's _definitely_ not... I don't know where he is right now", he shrugs.

She furrows her brow. "Okay, what are you guys up to?"

"Nothing."

"You're hiding something."

"I'm not", he guarantees. "But, uh, he did came here earlier and he told me to give you this."

He hands her an Anatomy book.

"That's one of the books we used in med school", she recognizes.

"Yeah."

"Why did he tell you to give me this?", she asks, confused.

"He didn't say", he shrugs again. "You're going to have to ask him."

"Except I don't know where he is. And neither do you, right?", she adds in a suspicious tone, raising one eyebrow.

"Right", he smiles.

"I'm just going to leave this in my locker until I find him", she shakes her head, smiling as she gives him one more suspicious look, and heads to the locker room.

"Hey, Addie", Sam smiles when she enters the locker room. "I was just going to look for you to wish you a happy birthday, but since you're already here... happy birthday!"

"Thank you, Sam. I just came here to put this book in my locker. Don't ask me why I'm carrying it, I don't know either."

She opens her locker just to find something that makes her even more confused.

"What the hell?", she grabs the pamphlet, analyzing it. "I don't remember putting this here. Did you see someone put this in my locker?", she asks Sam, showing him the pamphlet.

"No. What _is_ this? It's from an... italian restaurant?"

"Yeah, actually, I know that restaurant. Derek and I used to go there when we were in med school. But what-", she pauses. "Wait. Do you think _he_ put this here? Do you think he's trying to hint that we're going there tonight?"

"Maybe", Sam shrugs.

"Hmm. Weird. We haven't been there in years", she puts the pamphlet back in the locker.

"You know, this just reminded me that I'm going to meet Nai in the cafeteria later for lunch, do you want to come?" Sam invites her.

"Sure."

She bumped into Sam another time, just before lunch time.

"Oh, hi, Sam, I'll be there in a second, I just want to ask Dr. Webber if I could-"

"No, don't talk to Dr. Webber right now", he says quickly.

"Why not?"

"Because... Nai is not staying here for long."

"I'm just going to-"

"She brought Maya", Sam says almost desperately.

"Okay", she finds his tone weird, but she agrees. "I guess I should go say hello to that cute little baby."

"Addie!", Naomi hugs her in the cafeteria. "Happy birthday! Maya, how about you wish Addie a happy birthday?", she turns to the three-weeks-old baby in her arms.

"Hello, Maya", Addison smiles at the baby. "You look beautiful. Did you come visit your daddy today?"

"I did", Naomi imitates a baby voice. "Alright, can we sit somewhere?", she asks with her normal voice.

When they're done with lunch, Naomi searches for something in Maya's bag. "I almost forgot", she tells Addison. "I was unpacking the rest of the boxes in our new house this morning and I found this", she hands Addison a photo. "I thought you'd like to see it."

In the photo, her four best friends and her are smiling, wearing lab coats.

"Aww, I remember this day. Second year, right?"

"Right."

"It's a nice photo. Look at us, we were so excited."

"Yeah. Two of those people were more excited than the others though, I know because I found them making out instead of cleaning the lab", Naomi teases.

Addison blushes. "It was one time! And we cleaned it right after you left. You know Derek and I always left that lab impeccably cleaned."

"Do you want to keep that photo?"

"Yeah", she smiles. "I do."

"Speaking of lab", Sam begins, "weren't you going to talk to Dr. Webber?"

She frowns. " _Now_ you want me to go talk to him? Okay, _what_ is going on here?" She crosses her arms. "Spit it out. Why is everyone acting weird? And why is everyone giving me weird objects and bringing back memories-", and then she figures it out. "It's some kind of treasure hunt, isn't it? And it's leading me to my birthday present. Derek organized this and he convinced everyone to participate."

"Yes!" Naomi exclaims.

"That's it", Sam says at the same time. "Congratulations, you've figured it out. Now go find Dr. Webber."

She smirks and gets up from the table.

She checks the O.R. board again, just to make sure the surgery was still scheduled. She checks the other surgeries too, expecting to find Derek's name, and this time she does. _There you are_ , she thinks. _What the hell are you trying to do?_

Dr. Webber's patient is being prepared for surgery when Addison finds him. "Dr. Webber, I saw you're performing a Whipple today, I was hoping you could use a resident?"

"Sure. Scrub in."

"And, uh, apparently my boyfriend is making a treasure hunt for my birthday, I suppose you're involved?", she raises one eyebrow.

"Of course I'm involved", he smiles.

Halfway through the surgery, Dr. Webber asks her if she remembers the first time she and Derek went in on a surgery together.

"Yeah, why?"

"You're wearing the same scrub cap you wore that day, did you notice that?"

"Yeah", she smiles.

It's almost dark when she leaves the O.R.

"Dr. Montgomery?", Dr. Webber calls before she leaves. "You know that fountain outside the hospital?"

"Yeah?"

He smiles. "You might want to go there."

She goes back to her locker and changes to street clothes before she does what he suggested. Derek is standing near the fountain, his hands on his pockets.

He smiles when he sees her.

"Alright, I don't know why you decided to do this crazy treasure hunt thing this time, and I love it already, but I just have to say that this better be one hell of a present because it's my birthday and I haven't seen you all day."

"I was in surgery for half of the day", he shrugs, still smiling. "And the other half, I thought I'd bring you some memories back before tonight. You know, memories are something that's been on my mind these past few months."

"You mean since the accident?"

"Yes. Because the accident really scared me. And while we were in the car, waiting for the ambulance, I tried to imagine my life without you and I couldn't. And a lot of moments from this past five years have been on my mind ever since. So, today, I hoped I'd bring some of them to your mind as well. The day we met, in Anatomy class, the restaurant we went on one of our first dates, that day in the lab", he pauses when she laughs, "the first surgery we performed together. And I want more. More moments with you. More memories, whether they're good or bad. I want that for the rest of my life. And I hope you feel the same about all of this because... you see, your birthday present is only part of the reason I did this - and it _is_ great, I got reservations for your favorite restaurant and there's something else very special waiting for you at home. The other reason is this", he takes a ring box out of his pocket.

"Oh my God", she whispers.

"Addison", he grins and opens the box, revealing a ring inside. "Will you marry me?"

"I- ", her brain swirls, a million thoughts in a matter of seconds. But all of her doubts and trust issues vanish when she looks at him again. There's no way to be sure that someone is _the one_ , but she knows she's safe, because he won't hurt her. And as the last five years dance inside of her head, she knows that if he's not the one, then he's pretty close. "Yes", she lets the word escape her lips. "Yes!", she says more confident now, laughing.

He puts the ring on her finger and she kisses him, throwing her arms around his neck, while she hears a whistle behind her and Mark's voice exclaiming 'Finally!'

She turns around and sees the whole treasure hunt crew is standing there. "How long have you guys been there?"

"Pretty much the whole time", Naomi smiles.

"We had been expecting for this all day, and we did all those things, we wanted to see the result", Mark says.

"So you knew about the proposal? All of you?"

"Of course", Sam reveals.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"It was a surprise", Dr. Webber explains.

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything", Naomi laughs. "You said 'yes', I guess that's enough".

"Yeah," Mark agrees, "but, you know, if you and Derek want to cover for me on rounds as a 'thank you', that'd be-"

Naomi elbows him and he stops talking.

"I said yes", she turns to Derek, grinning.

"You said yes", he grins back at her.

* * *

 _ **Seattle, 2005**_

After all the crazy events of that night, she wasn't expecting that one more unpleasant surprise that were those panties - _someone else's_ panties - in the pocket of her husband's tuxedo.

And she wasn't expecting the weight of her next realization: it's over. There's nothing left to do. She did everything she could, but now it's over.

In about a year, things had started to go down between them and she screwed up. Then, she tried everything to make up for it - hell, she picked up her whole life in New York and moved to Seattle to live in a goddamn trailer in the woods with him - and it wasn't enough. She fought and she lost. The battle is over, and she lost.

At first, all she feels is disappointment and the sadness and anger that comes from losing someone that had been with you for such a long time; it's like they're throwing away a big part of their lives. And if she wants to be honest, yes, she's kind of mad at him for choosing someone else instead of her. But days go by, and as bad as it hurts, she figures it's time. She has to let him go. She can't hold on to the past when it's so much different from the present. In that year, all they did was hurt each other. They weren't happy, and they deserve to be happy.

So she lets go. And for a second, somehow, among all those feelings there's a new one. Something that she can't really explain. Something that feels like freedom.

* * *

 **Note: Y'all didn't think I'd skip the proposal, right? ;) This chapter sounded so much better in my head though. I hope you guys didn't hate it, 'cause I kind of did.**


	17. Stay With Me

**Author's Note: Sorry I took longer this time to update this fic, but my classes started and I don't have the time to write this anymore. So, I also must say that the next chapter will be the last. At least for now. Maybe if I get any more interesting ideas and if I have the time, I'll write more as bonus chapters.**

 **Anyway, that said, I wouldn't end this story without one more Maddison chapter, so here it is.**

* * *

 _ **New York, 1994**_

"What's wrong?", Addison asks when the car suddenly stops.

"The car died", Sam responds, furrowing his brow. He tries to restart the car a couple of times but nothing happens. "It's the battery", Sam declares, frustrated.

" _What_ _?_ ", Addison asks, almost desperately. "I was supposed to be there half an hour ago! I can't not attend my own wedding!"

"It's okay", Naomi tries to calm her down. "There's a phone booth right there, we'll just call the hotel so we can talk to Mark and he'll pick us up."

Addison exhales. "Okay."

"Hey", Mark says on the phone. "Where _are_ you?"

"Sam's car died", Addison explains. "We need you."

"Wait, why me? Can't you just call Derek?"

"He can't see me before the wedding, Mark", Addison replies, impatient.

"Since when do you believe in these stuff?", he teases, laughing.

"I don't", she states, defensive. "Shut up. It's just... it would take all the fun away from the big moment, you know? Mark, I'm in the middle of the street wearing a wedding dress, can you _please_?"

"I was kidding", he laughs again. "I'm on my way."

Naomi and Sam are waiting outside of the car and Addison joins them. Few minutes pass before she suddenly feels scared.

"What am I doing?", she asks herself, her voice sounding more like a whisper.

"What do you mean?", Naomi inquires.

" _What am I doing_?", Addison repeats, louder.

Sam frowns. "You're... getting married."

" _Exactly_ ", she says, trying not to panic.

"Are you having second thoughts?", Naomi asks, worried.

"I'm... I don't know", Addison responds, confused. "What if the car dying was a sign? That I shouldn't get married?"

"Do you even believe in these things?"

"I don't know! It's just... Dammit. I mean... Derek and I have been together for _six_ years. And we've been engaged for almost a year and throughout this year I've been so sure. Why is this happening now?", she questions, sounding more frustrated than scared now.

"It's a big step, Addie", Naomi tries to soothe her. "It's okay to be scared, it's normal."

"Were _you_ scared when you married Sam?"

"Of course."

"You're lying."

"I'm lying", Naomi admits.

Addison sighs and gets in the car.

When Mark arrives, she's still in the backseat, and Naomi is standing near the open door, still trying to say something to convince her.

"What's happening?", he asks.

"She's not sure if she wants to get married anymore", Sam explains.

" _What?_ ", Mark comes closer to the car. "What do you mean you're not sure?", he inquires her. She doesn't respond, so he continues. "Look, I've put up with you and Derek for six years. And it was hard at the beginning because I missed my single best friend. I missed doing single guys stuff. But then I started to feel happy for you two, because I saw how happy you two were together. And I rooted for the two of you to go back together when you guys broke up _twice_. And I was happy when you two decided to get married. So now you better get married, or I'll be really pissed. You two are Derek-and-Addison! Come on."

Addison seems less unsure now.

"Think of all the reasons why you decided to marry him", he suggests.

"Okay", Addison agrees, and it turns out to be an actually helpful exercise. Her doubts slowly go away.

She looks at him again and she doesn't have to say a word before he knows her doubts are gone.

"Alright", she breathes, relieved. "Let's get me married."

Mark smiles. "You know, if you really wanted to run away, I could have driven you anywhere; but I've known you for six years and if there's one thing I know about you is that you take risks. You're not the kind of person who runs when things get scary."

* * *

 _ **New York, 2005**_

She knows she's being selfish, but she does it again, the same thing she does every time Derek is not available: she calls Mark.

She knows it's not fair to use him to cover holes and dismiss him the next day. But she tells herself he's _Mark Sloan_. If someone can be unattached, that's him. Even if he claimed to love her, he had slept with someone when they were together, so she doesn't know how much of it she believes in. And it's been a while. Maybe he doesn't have feelings for her anymore.

"I knew you'd miss me", he gives her that smug smile, standing at the door of her hotel room.

She rolls her eyes. "I'm getting a divorce, show some sensibility."

"Right", he says in a serious tone. "Sorry."

As usual, they don't have to talk. She doesn't want to talk about Derek, the divorce, her own misery, anything. She just wants to forget all of it for a while, and Mark has that effect on her. Even when Derek shows up at her hotel room too, saying that their marriage is over and that he feels terrible because it was all his fault, only to see Mark coming out of the shower, wearing nothing more than a towel, which makes Addison swear mentallly, because she didn't want to admit her weakness and her own fault in this situation. In the end, it's hard to know whose fault was it.

Mark spends the night there, but now she needs him to go back to New York. She can't handle more than sex with him. She's still mad at him, for cheating on her, and at herself, for falling in love with him and for thinking they could have a real thing. She doesn't deserve to go through that again.

So he goes back home, and she thinks everything will be fine, until he comes back a few days later, announcing he has moved to Seattle.

And no matter how much she tries to avoid him, she can't honor her own "we're just coworkers" rule.

"At least now you don't have to feel guilty anymore", he jokes, after the divorce, trying to make her feel better.

"Shut up", she says in the same tone she's used to say those two words to him all those years, the tone that said _you're so immature, but you still make me laugh and I like you_. The tone that said _I want to hate you, but I can't_.

He smirks, getting out of the bed. "I should go now."

"No", she says before thinking. She doesn't know how that escaped from her mouth. Maybe she's lonely. Or maybe, no matter how much she denies it, she still loves him. "It's okay", she reassures him. "Stay. Just for tonight."

* * *

He knows he shouldn't go. It's not fair to him. She shouldn't get to use him like that. But he doesn't care. If he gets hurt, fine. At least he gets to see her. He gets to be with her, one more time.

"I knew you'd miss me", he jokes, his weird habit of laughing and joking to hide his pain.

"I'm getting a divorce, show some sensibility", she says with a bitter sarcasm that makes him realize she's trying to hide her own pain too.

"Right. Sorry."

But what is he sorry for? He's sorry she's hurting, for sure. He's not sure if he's sorry that she and Derek are getting a divorce. He does feel a little bit bad for the end of Derek-and-Addison, but he can't help feeling a selfish happiness above everything else.

And that happiness brings him hope encourages him to move to Seattle. Not only because of Addison, though she was a big part of his decision, but also to make things right with Derek. He wanted a new story, where the three of them could be happy again in a different scenario, with different characters and different relationships, adjusting what was wrong before in their old story. He had to try. He had to fight for a happy ending.

And when Addison finally asks him to stay, he thinks maybe that happy ending is close and maybe they'll get there.

* * *

 **Note: I wanted to leave things open between Maddison, since I'm not writing an AU. It can still fit into canon, so it seemed like the right way to do it.**


	18. Somewhere Only We Know

**Author's Note: As I said, this is the last chapter for now. I hope y'all like it!**

 **Also, if you read this chapter and then listen to Somewhere Only We Know, you might shed a tear haha.**

 **Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

 _ **New York, 1994**_

There has been a ton of speeches about the newly wed couple - some were cute, like Naomi's; others were touching, like Carolyn's, who said Derek's father would be very happy if he was there; others made everyone laugh, like Mark's, who told a lot of funny and embarrassing stories about the two of them, but who also looked very happy for them; even Bizzy's and The Captain's speeches weren't that bad.

By the time everyone who wanted to say something is done, Derek himself gets up from the table he and Addison are seated and heads to the dance floor.

"So", he starts, "I want to say something too. But it's going to be a different speech. I wanted to do something different", he notices Addison looking curiously at him and he smiles at her. "I've worked on it for the past week. I hope you like it."

He makes a sign for the guitarist and starts singing.

 _Our eyes met over the cadaver_

 _And I knew I had to have her_

Everyone starts laughing, including Addison.

 _Had his mitral valve gotten too thick?_

 _Is that what made our cadaver so sick?_

"What are you doing?", he reads Addison's lips, while she's furrowing her brow. But she's also smiling, and it encourages him to continue.

 _Addison Montgomery, he met her in the summer, she_

 _Was cutting up a very dead body_

 _And in her eyes I saw my life_

 _I knew that she would be my wife_

 _And she would breath the life back into me_

 _For every day until eternity_

 _Or until I'd be as dead as that body..._

Everyone applauds, but he barely notices, because he's looking at her. She's still laughing, but she's looking at him with so much love, and she looks so beautiful tonight, more than any other night, that it's impossible for him to look away.

"Alright", he continues, "I declare the dance floor open."

Everyone exclaims excited words and many people head to the dance floor while he goes back to his table.

Addison immediately gets up and pulls him by his arm, leading him out of the room, running pretty fast for someone who's wearing a long dress and high heels.

"We need to go while it's a mess in there so no one will notice we're not there", she explains.

"Where are we going?"

"Just wait for it."

They take the elevator, and she presses the button to lead them to the highest floor.

When the door opens, she guides him to a stair and suddenly they are in the rooftop.

"Are we even allowed to be here?", he raises his eyebrows.

She shrugs, smiling defiantly.

"I found this place last week, while you were talking to the manager."

"You said you were going to the bathroom", he accuses her.

"Because it was a surprise", she shrugs. "I wanted to find nice place with a nice view, so I could surprise you in the wedding day."

It _was_ a nice view. It was a beautiful view, with the city lights dancing in front of their eyes.

"I don't have a speech in my head - or a song. But I've got this."

"I guess we're good at surprising each other, aren't we?", he smiles.

"Yeah", she smiles back. "I still can't believe you wrote me a goddamn song", she laughs.

"You're worth a goddamn song. _We're_ worth a goddamn song."

* * *

 _ **Seattle, 2005**_

It's getting dark outside, and she's had particularly stressful day, so she enters the on-call room, and she is surprised to see Derek in there, seated on the bed.

"Oh", she apologizes. "I didn't know you were here."

"It's okay", he responds, and she notices he doesn't look fine.

She closes the door behind her and sits on the bed beside him. "Crappy day?", she asks.

"Yeah", he sighs. "You?"

"Same."

They spend some seconds in silence, until he speaks again.

"A had a patient today who almost died", he comments. "Car accident. We looked for his family, but turns out he didn't have any family, except for his girlfriend, who was the closest thing he had to a family. So we called her, and she came and asked him to marry her."

"Oh", it was all she managed to say.

They stay silent again for a few more instants, before Addison sighs.

"What went wrong between us?" She asks.

He looks at her, and she continues. "I mean... Before the cheating, before that whole mess. We had loved each other, so what happened? How did we end up here?"

He sighs. "I don't know", he shakes his head, sadly, and she realizes he's been asking himself that same question. "I guess we'll never know exactly. Maybe that's just how life is, you know. We're doctors, we know that sometimes things go wrong and we don't always know why. We can't always find an explanation. Sometimes shit just happens, and by the time we notice it there's nothing we can do."

"Yeah", she sighs too. "Yeah, you're right."

"I'm sorry it ended up the way it did. I'm sorry I wasn't a better husband."

"I'm sorry I cheated on you. I screwed up."

"We both did", he shrugs.

"Well", she gets up after a minute. "I should go now. See you tomorrow."

"Alright."

She heads to the door.

"Addie?", he calls her softly.

"Yeah?", she stops, turning around.

"Thank you", he smiles. "For all those years."

"You too", she smiles back.

She heads to the door again and opens it, but she turns around again before closing it, with another smile on her face. "Yeah, you know what? Those nearly twenty years? They were worth a goddamn song."

* * *

 **Note: That's it, everyone :) Thank you so much for taking your time to read this story, and a special thanks to everyone who reviewed, you're all amazing! :)**


End file.
